What We Talk About When We’re Talking to Hot Girls
As someone who has a lot to say about dating and attraction, I’ve obviously given a lot of thought to the way men and women interact. I’ve paid attention to both sexes: first, learning what women do/don’t find attractive and, second, understanding why guys can’t seem to fathom what women do/don’t find attractive.
If it were as straight forward as learning the behaviors that attract women, then succeeding at dating would be as simple as studying for an art history exam. Yet, any guy with the balls to put the theory into practice knows: it ain’t as easy as it sounds!
I could cite multiple examples of easier-said-than-done dating advice, though today I only want to focus on ONE aspect of the courtship process: talking to women.
For years, I struggled to define what “charisma” meant to me. Much like how Potter Stewart defined hardcore pornography, I could only say that charisma was a quality that “I knew it when I saw it.” To me, charisma was always that X-factor that separates the homecoming king from the geeky wallflower. Two guys could tell the exact same story, and yet one can make it sound like the most awesome experience ever, and the other would put you to sleep.
Without question, charisma is one of those rare, elusive qualities every guy wants to possess. Even outside of the dating realm, charisma enhances every aspect of your social life—from your job to bonding with your buddies. Put simply, it makes you enjoyable to be around.
How then can we define charisma so that we can practice and replicate it? Now, before I offer my definition, I’m well aware there are critics who believe charisma is something “you’re either born with or you’re not,” which is completely and utterly wrong. If you believe that charisma can be acquired, then read on because I have some good news…
The problem most of my students have when they speak to women is that they see speaking as a means to an end. They don’t want to speak to communicate; they speak to “attract.” Most failed pickup attempts fail because of a prioritization of lines over substance.
A line, by definition, is a sentence intended to achieve an end. So, a pickup line is something you say with the intention of picking up a woman. Pickup lines have such a sleazy stigma because, by that same definition, they’re inauthentic, calculated, and—worst of all—uncreative.
While you probably avoid pickup lines, you might unknowingly subscribe to the idea of pickup lines. If you’ve ever thought you needed something to say to women to get them attracted, or even if you’ve ever “run out of things to say” to a woman, then listen up. You’re getting a lesson in charisma!
Since charisma is the opposite of a “pickup line” (since it’s authentic, spontaneous, and creative), we can define it as the opposite of a line: charisma is an end in itself. In other words, the speaker enjoys speaking simply because he feels he’s communicating.
Notice, he’s communicating and not manipulating. When you speak without an agenda, you speak freely (and attractively). What you say becomes important, not why (or to who) you’re saying it. You’re not “trying” to generate attraction because attraction is a natural byproduct of your charisma.
I’ve been (unsuccessfully) trying to get guys thinking like this for years. I even wrote an article a while back on TSB where I advised guys to detach themselves from the outcome of speaking. However, as much as I stamp my feet and try to hammer this point home, there will still be a guy who wants to know, “…but what do I say?”
And to that guy, I offer the age-old maxim bandied about in the pickup community since 2007: you can say anything! However, it’s not enough to simply “say anything,” but rather, to ENJOY saying anything. The words that come out of your mouth are communication, not manipulation. As such, you can never “generate attraction” with what you say—attraction is a byproduct of your charisma (which depends on your enjoyment of saying it).
So why are you saying what you say to women? Is it a means to an end, or an end in itself? If you’re truly communicating with women, then you’re going to enjoy what you’re saying, and so your “verbal game” will appear very polished and charismatic. It matters little what the actual words out of your mouth are, so long as you enjoy saying them.
Yet, to adopt this attitude means manning up and accepting the real-life consequences of approaching women: some women simply won’t like you. Once you realize you can’t manipulate people into liking you with lines (either by listening to me, or finding out the hard way on your own). An internal voice will eventually say, “fuck it,” and you’ll begin speaking to people just because you want to be heard.
And that, my friends, is what we call “not giving a fuck,” which incidentally, is exactly when you’ll start getting girls.
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.