How To Meet Women When You’re An Introvert
You’re a single guy who wants to meet more women, but you’re feel shy or nervous to do so.
Perhaps you hate the idea of mingling at bars and clubs, and are terrified by the idea of cold-approaching women during the daytime.
Everyone feels these nerves on some scale. So whether or not you class yourself as a full introvert, it can be useful to learn some techniques to help ease them.
Below are seven ideas to help introverted men approach the women they’re attracted to.
Overcoming approach anxiety requires mental strength and willpower.
With any activity that requires this, you’ll need motivation. Otherwise, you just give up and take the easy option.
You might think that the motivation to approach might stem from fantasies of being able to have sex with dozens of beautiful girls a month – or the prospect of a loving relationship with your perfect 10.
But for most guys, this isn’t enough.
They see the PUA infield. They watch the hotties getting pulled. They realise it’s possible. And they STILL don’t take action.
If that’s you, don’t worry…
There is a stronger motivator that is more likely to spark your ass into life.
That motivator is PAIN. It’s also often called emotional leverage.
The painful thoughts of having no sex in the future are far more powerful than the promise of a lifetime helping.
In order to persist with regularly attending social events and overcoming approach anxiety, the pain of your current dating life has to outweigh the perceived pain of going out and stacking up rejections.
Until then, you won’t stick at it…
So, here’s a motivational exercise for you guys feeling “too lazy” to go and meet women this weekend.
Picture your life 10 years in the future, having done nothing to improve your pick-up skills.
Your youth is now behind you, but your results with women are exactly the same.
Your self-esteem is exactly the same. Your ability to speak up and have fun in a group setting is exactly the same. Your nerves around beautiful women are exactly the same.
How does it feel?
Have a look at the wives of people 10 years older than you that you consider losers. Examine the dynamics of these old loser couples when you can.
If your ‘game’ is the same as these dudes, that’s your destiny…
Sit down and really picture it…
Maybe that’ll give you enough pain to get you off the sofa and out meeting women.
The fear of approaching beautiful women stems from an assumption that she won’t like it.
In fact, a lot of introverted beliefs are based on assumptions that social interactions will go badly.
By fixing your self-esteem, you can eliminate a lot of these beliefs from your mindset.
Check out our guide for five exercises to help improve your self-esteem.
Introverts tend to worry about “what other people think”. In fact, it’s ingrained in most human psyches to do this.
Of course, once you’ve done a few approaches in public, you soon realise that no-one really gives a crap what you’re doing.
Even the woman you’re speaking to is likely to have forgotten about you after a few minutes…
Still, it’s common for us to be stifled if we’ve previously been in a very logical mood, because the logical and social parts of our brain are different and it’s not super-easy to switch.
In this stifled mood, it’s common to regain this fear of how other people will perceive us.
That’s why I always recommend “warm up” exercises before going out to meet women.
These exercises serve to:
Any sort of social freedom exercise can work as a “warm up exercise. The dafter, the better.
Here are some other social freedom exercises you could consider.
Maybe you’ll tell yourself that “warming up” to be social is lame, and that you’re above it. Well, it’s not as lame as entering a party and not being able to speak to anyone.
If you can be hyper-social with strangers as soon as you enter a room, feel free to skip the warm-up.
Everyone else should swallow their pride and do some warm-up exercises. They’re great for helping you feel more socially loose by the first hottie walks by.
I’m a strong believer that you can successfully open a conversation with anything in a bar or a nightclub, as long as your vibe is good.
However, I think daygame needs a little more structure, as the intent of your approach is less obvious during the day.
Either way, you’ll find it way easier to approach if you’re given a clear structure of what to say and what to do. That’s why Mystery Method was so popular back in the day.
At the same time, if you’re given too much information, it can be overwhelming. So, here’s a simple three-step guide that I was given on my first daygame coaching session five years ago. It has served me well to this day.
For example: “Excuse me, this might seem a bit out of nowhere, but I noticed you looked great, so I wanted to say hi.”
A great way to peak her interest and invite her to invest in the conversation. It’s certainly better than the “interview mode” that most losers resort to. I like to make assumptions based on her appearance, and exaggerate for humour.
“You’re looking incredibly sporty today. I figured you’re some sort of professional athlete.”
The longer you spend with her, the better. But at some point, you’ll go for the close. Screen for an instant date, but if that’s a no-go, grab her social media details or phone number, with the intention of meeting up for a date. (These steps are often referred to as ‘The London Daygame Model’)
Some 93% of communication is non-verbal, which is why your vibe is so important. This fact in itself can be comforting to introverts, because it means there’s little need to stress about conversation topics.
The following five body language tips are arguably more important than the words that leave your mouth.
You’ll be surprised at how far you can get with women when you bear these three conversational steps and five body language tips in mind, especially when you’ve got your self-esteem sorted.
The first four steps should be enough to have anyone opening conversations with gorgeous women.
The next step is to not panic and run away when the women isn’t immediately visually thrilled to speak to you.
It’s rare this happens when anyone is approached by a stranger. For all you she knows, you could be dangerous, creepy, asking for money, the next pathetic loser trying to hit on her.
She doesn’t know you’re cool yet, so you need to keep talking until she realises you are. Prepare to provide around 90% of the content in the first couple of minutes of the interaction.
During this time, she may show no sign that she’s enjoying your presence. She may well be she’s going to be confused, nervous, perhaps even scared. It’s your job to show her she has no reason to be! Once you do, she’ll eventually open up to you.
Many introverts think that they experience the sensation of ‘running out of things to say’ during these scenarios.
I say ‘think’ because no-one ever truly runs out of things to say. We just run out of things that we think are ‘good enough’ for our audience. Or perhaps your anxious brain has kicked into ‘fight or flight mode’, robbing you of your mental resources.
Either way, you can be comforted by learning that your vibe is far more important than the actual words you say.
Once you realise this is true, you can lower the bar for what’s ‘good enough’ to say to this woman and never ‘run out of things to say’ again.
Ultimately, the more you go out and practice staying in a conversation even when things become awkward, the more comfortable you’ll become in these situations.
The idea of ‘social momentum’ is based on the widely-held psychological belief that feats of bravery become harder after we hesitate.
This gives our brain – which has a primary goal of protecting us from pain – time to think of reasons to pussy out.
However, if we can act before our brain has time to make excuses, we can achieve feats of amazing bravery.
For an introvert in a nerve-wracking social situation, it’s therefore advisable to make the approach as soon as possible. If his goal is to approach multiple people, it would be recommended to minimise time between interactions wherever possible.
This will help you achieve a flow state, where you’re fully focused on your actions and your negative thoughts evaporate.
Whatever you think about the maturity of peer pressure, there’s no denying it’s a useful motivational tool to push you into scary situations. A wingman can motivate introverts to get out of their shell and speak to women, so find one. A lot of guys would rather than look like a pussy in front of their mates.
If your wingman has good game, they could even accompany you while you go and talk to her, perhaps chipping into the conversation to keep it from dying. Also, when you see wingman get results with women in the flesh, it may inspire you to do the same.
Introverts may wish of this perfect world where they don’t have to be proactive about meeting women, and an amazing girlfriend just falls into thelr lap. Sadly for them, this is fantasy.
Thankfully, it is possible for anyone to become more comfortable in social situations with practice.
These tips should give you the fuel to get started.
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About Joe Elvin Joe Elvin travels the world working remotely as a lifestyle writer and confidence coach. Throughout 2017, he filmed his entire dating life as part of a national television documentary in the UK. His new book 'The Camera Never Lies' details the brutal truths about dating and relationships learned from this experience. You can learn more about the book and download the first chapter for free by clicking here >>