Why Am I Scared Of Talking To Girls – And How Can I Fix It?
There are plenty of situations in life that are perfectly logical to fear, but flirting with a beautiful woman isn’t one of them.
It makes no sense for our heart rate to rise when a woman enters the room. It’s completely stupid for our brains to imagine the worst possible outcome of speaking to her.
Yet, this happens for most guys. Even those who spend their careers fighting fires, solving crimes or closing multi-million pound contracts.
It’s the main reason why the average guy’s dating life is so unremarkable.
Worst of all, most men don’t even understand why this fear exists or how to deal with it.
Instead, they go through their whole lives with limited romantic options.
If you’re sick and tired of living like this, read on.
This article explains where this fear stems from, then suggests 10 ideas to help stop it from ruining your love life.
‘Approach anxiety’, as it’s often called, can be partly blamed on the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response.
The response is best-known for activating in times of great danger, releasing hormones to increase your heart rate, adrenaline levels and focus. In dangerous situations, it helps us fight or escape a potential threat. Extremely useful.
Unfortunately, it also tends to trigger during harmless social activities that we’re unfamiliar with.
When we’re unsure about the safety of social situations – such as cold-approaching a woman or delivering a speech to strangers – the ‘fight or flight’ response activates to prepare for a worst-case scenario.
This is extremely common when you’ve suffered trauma during these activities in the past.
The idea of our brain treating a beautiful woman like an angry bull might sound stupid.
However, when you explore how humans are conditioned to avoid social rejection, it might start to make sense.
As small children, we’re completely reliant on our parents for survival. Angering them can traumitize us, even into adulthood.
In school, being bullied feels like end of the world. At that age it is our whole world. Once again, this can traumatize us for years.
Throughout childhood, we’re so resistant to criticism from our parents and peers that we do anything to avoid it. A habit that often continues throughout our lives.
There are many theories suggesting that we inherited the instinct to ‘fit in’ from our caveman ancestors. Back then, social rejection would have meant being ‘outcast from the tribe’ with no food and certain death.
Other explanations surround the power of the human ego, and how our self-image is so precious that we’ll do anything (or avoid anything) to protect it.
Either way, when you take these explanations into consideration, it becomes more understandable why approaching a beautiful woman might make you nervous (especially when there are other people in the vicinity).
Here’s the thing though. It’s 2019. Your parents won’t disown you if a woman turns you down. You won’t get clubbed on the head or outcast from a tribe. In most cases, you’ll barely get a second look from anyone.
Flirting with an attractive woman is in your best interests. If she’s single and you’re a cool guy, it’s helps her too. She doesn’t want to make the first move, so it’s your job as a man to do it.
Social anxiety does nothing but stop two people from making a beautiful connection.
It’s in everyone’s best interests for you to overcome it.
The question is: how?
The key to reducing anxiety is to lower any associated uncertainty.
The more you face your fear, the easier it becomes to ignore.
That’s why the best cure for ‘approach anxiety’ is to speak to tons of women.
Introduce yourself. Give compliments. Ask for phone numbers. Experience success. Go through rejections. Get embarassed in public.
Do it in bars. Nightclubs. Cafes. In the park. On the street.
This will show you there’s nothing to be afraid of. In 99% of cases, the worst possible outcome is being turned down.
No caveman attacks. No mass outrage. At worst, you’ll experience some mild ego damage.
Usually, she’ll thank you for the compliment and you’ll feel better for having overcome your fear.
A win-win for everyone.
In spite of this, getting started is still easier said than done.
The fight or flight response is difficult to battle, but there are steps you can take to make this easier.
Here are five exercises you can attempt to reduce your approach anxiety.
Begin by asking someone for the time. Next, ask for directions. Then, stop someone and pay them a small compliment. Afterwards, try a ‘cheers’ with your drink or a high-five.
This creates social momentum, which you can use to work your way up to flirting with beautiful women. These small steps might initially seem silly, but they really help to shift you out of your anti-social shell.
Your brain’s primary function is to keep you safe, so it will always think of excuses to stop you doing something unfamiliar.
The best way to ignore it is to act fast. Do the damn thing before your brain has time to think of excuses.
As soon as you see that woman, move your feet, stand in front of her and say something. Concentrate on nothing other than that.
Most guys get nervous about approaching women because they can’t think of anything “good enough” to say.
The truth is: you can say anything almost you want, especially in a bar or club. Daygame might need more structure, but most of your communication will still come through your language and tonality.
If this communicates confidence and assertiveness, the words that come out your mouth are almost insignificant.
Have a few default conversation-openers in the back of your mind and steer the ship from there. These will always be “good enough” if you’re a cool guy.
There’s no point planning anything after your first line, because you have no idea which way the conversation is going to go.
Whenever you make an excuse not to speak to a beautiful woman, note it down. Later on, ask yourself if it was a legitimate reason to pussy out. Often, it won’t be. Here are some shoddy excuses not to talk to an attractive woman.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to evaluate the excuses on your list. If you decide they’re stupid, you’ll find them easier to ignore next time they pop up.
The ego is your self-perception – the voice in your head that says what type of person you are.
Often, it’ll say you’re a cool guy who’s awesome with women and doesn’t embarrass himself or look stupid.
It’s a powerful voice that’ll say anything to prevent you from proving it wrong. This includes these stupid excuses not to approach beautiful women. As such, one of the best things you can do to cure your social anxiety is to kill your ego.
This is a lengthy process, which is arguably never complete. Nevertheless, there are plenty of things you can do to quieten that unhelpful voice in your head
The end result is that you’ll stop caring what other people think and act purely on your own desires.
There’s nothing more powerful than action-taking to reduce your approach anxiety, but these attitude shifts can often prove just as helpful. Remind yourself of these five statements when you the nerves creep in.
The symptoms of fear and excitement are the same. Increased pulse rate, heavy breathing, anticipating the future. When we experience these symptoms around beautiful women, we assume it’s bad, but why not interpret them as excitement to meet her?
Anxiety fades quickly when you truly believe the approach could be a win-win, so it’s worth dwelling on what makes you a brilliant option for women.
Write down a list of 50 reasons why you’re awesome. This could include physical attributes, personailty traits, past achievements or even things you’re working on improving.
It’s a great exercise for your inner game, which can make it feel like you’re doing her a favour.
If you approached a woman to present her a £10,000 cheque, would you be nervous about her accepting it? A cool, successful, loyal partner is probably worth ten times that to a woman.
Not every woman will make time for you, and that’s completely normal. There’s every chance you won’t get on with her either.
So, don’t view your approach as a pick-up attempt that can be accepted or rejected. See it as you exploring whether there’s chemistry.
A lot of men worry about what other people think when they’re making an approach.
The truth is: they’re not thinking much at all.
Most people are too wrapped up in their own thoughts to really care what strangers are doing with their lives.
See for yourself by completing a social freedom exercise in public. Yell at the top of your voice or lie on the sidewalk and notice how no-one really pays attention. At worst, they stare for two seconds, then move on with their lives.
Anyone who does pay attention to your approach will probably admire your bravery.
You can control the action, but not the outcome. Why focus on what you can’t control?
Shift your focus onto whether you made the best decision at that moment.
After you approach a woman, you should feel a sense of pride, as most men would never have the balls to do it.
After you bottle an approach, you may feel disappointed with yourself. Even worse, you could be left with a gut-wrenching feeling of ‘what if?’ This is understandable. Could she have been your next one-night stand? Your next girlfriend? The mother of your children? You’ll never know…
No prizes for guessing what feels better.
The fear you experience around beautiful women is natural.
It’s difficult to ignore and impossible to completely eliminate.
Most men won’t ever try. They’ll spend their whole lives relying on online dating, or waiting for an opportunity within their social circle.
Sure, they’ll still have options, but it’ll be difficult for them to ever date their dream woman.
If you take steps to reduce your fear of meeting new women, you’ll set yourself apart from most other guys.
You’ll open up a wealth of new options in your dating life, and maximize the odds of finding your ideal partner.
Best of all, you’ll never need to watch a woman walk past and wonder “what if” you spoke to her…
All of your wildest sexual fantasies are on the other side of this fear. Your dreams of an ever-lasting romance lie there too.
It’ll never get any easier to overcome it, so there’s no use waiting a day longer.
Use these tips and mindset shifts to fight back against this fear TODAY.
About Joe Elvin Joe Elvin travels the world working remotely as a lifestyle writer and confidence coach. Throughout 2017, he filmed his entire dating life as part of a national television documentary in the UK. His new book 'The Camera Never Lies' details the brutal truths about dating and relationships learned from this experience. You can learn more about the book and download the first chapter for free by clicking here >>