How To Kill Your Ego
Your ego is your self-perception.
A ‘big ego’ means you’re full of yourself. A ‘small ego’ means you’re full of self-doubt.
Both types of ego are powerful. Both will flood your mind with the most believable excuses and rationalisations. Both will ruin your relationships with those around you. The ego will do whatever it takes to convince you it’s right, because a smashed ego is too painful for most people to handle.
In this guide, you’ll learn why it’s better to have no ego at all – and how to successfully destroy the inner voice that tells you who you are.
A small ego tells a man he’s the type of guy women don’t want.
He’s afraid to approach women because he assumes they won’t like him. He’ll notice every possible reason not to approach, because that’s what his selective focus points out. After all, the ego controls not only how we see ourselves, but how we see the world around us.
If he does approach, he’s oh-so-cautious. Every facet of his body language signals he expects to get blown out.
He’s quiet. He’s apologetic. He never tells jokes, makes polarising statements or does anything to truly express himself. In fact, he’ll often do all he can to hide his true personality, because his ego tells him his true personality is awful.
This creates nervous energy, which makes everyone around him feel nervous. Naturally, people want to avoid this. So they avoid him.
Even if a woman is showing clear signs that she likes him, the man with a small ego won’t push the interaction forward. There’ll be no flirting, inviting her to the bar or swapping contact details. His ego tells him she won’t like that.
He might see her laughing at his jokes and touching him excessively, but his ego won’t perceive it as flirting. It must be something else. Maybe she’s joking. Maybe she’s just being friendly. There’s no way women could ever like him.
Whatever it takes to convince him it’s right.
A big ego tells a man he’s the type of guy all women want.
The problem is: most men with big egos also tend to have fragile egos, meaning they’ll do anything to protect it.
A man with a big ego often refrains from approaching women, because getting rejected would harm his self-image.
He’ll notice every possible reason not to approach. Often, he’ll tell himself she’s not good enough, even though he’d be thrilled if she threw herself at him.
If he does approach, he’ll often do it in a friendly or overly crude manner, at least initially. That way, if it turns to shit, he can tell himself he wasn’t really trying.
Now, if the woman flirts with him first, he feels free to release his brash and gregarious side, which women do tend to find attractive. They want a man who believes in himself, after all. But this character is also prone to deliberately self-sabotaging if she starts to lose interest.
The big ego guy is rarely the type to act a bit goofy or self-deprecate, even if it would raise the mood of everyone around him. He’s unlikely to run through a crowded mall for a daygame approach. Nor will he chase down the woman who liked him when he spots her leaving the club, even if doing so could easily get him laid.
He might see that he never gets the hottest women in his city or that he barely approaches them, but his ego won’t perceive it as his weakness. It must be something else. These women must be stuck-up or stupid. It’s never the right moment to approach. There’s no way women could ever not like him.
Whatever it takes to convince him it’s right.
The man with no ego truly doesn’t care what other people think of him.
He just goes for what he wants. A woman’s reaction has no impact on his self-image. If other people see, it doesn’t matter what they think either.
If he’s a bit introverted, he’s not embarrassed to ‘warm up’ his social side by making smalltalk with uncool people. He’s also unlikely to be intimidated by the hotties behind the VIP rope.
When he does approach a woman, there’s no inner monologue questioning whether he’s “good enough” or “too good” for her. He just focuses on the moment and his end goal.
He doesn’t hide his personality, for fear she won’t like it. He doesn’t care if she doesn’t like it. At the same time, he’s not going to refrain from apologising, making dumb jokes, chasing or making a move if the situation warrants it. He’s present with women. He’ll usually see if she likes him and act accordingly. These qualities make him great to be around.
At the same time, the man with “no ego” has no issue with learning from his mistakes, or seeking advice from someone better than him. He appreciates there will always be someone better than him and always something to learn in most fields. As such, he’s the one who learns the fastest and becomes the best.
Now you understand the benefits of killing your ego, let’s explore some methods of doing so.
Then, find 10 more the next day, and so on. You probably won’t sleep or even swap contact details with all of them. This will crush a big ego. But it’ll also prove there’s plenty for you to learn when it comes to seduction. Hopefully, it will motivate you to start learning from your mistakes, improving and ultimately dating better women.
If you have a small ego, it’s likely that at least one of the women treated you better than you were expecting. Take that experience as motivation to keep approaching and keep learning too.
Your immediate social circle will drag you to their level of success, whether that’s up or down. As Jim Rohn famously said: “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
So, it would make sense to surround yourself with successful people, right?
Most people have too much of an ego to do so. It reminds them of their shortcomings – and that’s too painful. They’d rather be the big fish in the small pond.
Recognise if you’re that big fish. If so, seek new friends who are stronger than you, hang out and learn from them.
Before long, you’ll be on the same level.
By definition, comfort zone exercises make you feel a little bit silly.
Classic examples include lying on a busy sidewalk for one minute, wearing fancy dress or standing in public with a sign saying “free hugs”.
It could be something smaller like singing karaoke or practicing a new skill in front of a big group.
In all of these scenarios, you’ll notice that people don’t care what you’re doing as much as you thought they would. Even if they did care, they almost never share their opinions. Then, they probably forget about it moments afterwards
Hopefully that inspires you to live your life with no inhibitions, because no-one really cares what you do anyway.
A small ego usually stems from a lack of validation in childhood. Maybe you were the victim of neglectful parents, school bullies or a mean teenage crush. Those experiences were so painful that you now avoid criticism at all costs
Alternatively, a big ego grows from being overly validated. Maybe you were spoiled as a child, or grew up rich and famous. Those experiences made criticism so foreign that you now avoid it at all costs.
Either way, it’s clear that being affected by others’ validation is unhealthy. So, why not try ignoring other people’s opinions altogether? Stop doing things to impress other people and focus on impressing yourself.
This becomes far easier when you have a life mission that’s so important and exciting, you’d do it regardless of what anyone else thought.
In this case, when you take a step towards achieving that goal, that’s all you need to feel great about yourself..
When you meditate, you train yourself to remove all thoughts. You learn to exist in the present moment. There is no past and no future. As such, there is no past or future ‘self’ to create a narrative around. There is just right now.
Frequent meditators find it easier to stay in the present moment when approaching and talking to women, rather than being plagued by thoughts of fear or insecurity.
So, find a quiet space, set a timer to count 20 minutes, and use that time to practice focusing on your breathing and nothing else.
It has been argued that it’s impossible to completely eliminate your ego, as humans will always be conscious beings with thoughts and memories.
Still, hopefully this guide has highlighted the reasons to try these exercises and quieten your ego as much as possible, whether it’s big or small.
About Joe Elvin Joe Elvin travels the world working remotely as a lifestyle writer and confidence coach. Throughout 2017, he filmed his entire dating life as part of a national television documentary in the UK. His new book 'The Camera Never Lies' details the brutal truths about dating and relationships learned from this experience. You can learn more about the book and download the first chapter for free by clicking here >>