The Onion Theory
An onion has a flaky exterior skin. After that, there is a tough outer shell. Once past those two parts you get to the primary layers. Beneath each layer lies another layer and another layer. After you peel back enough you reach the onion center – its bulb.
Humans are much like onions. We have a flaky exterior skin, a tough outer shell, then many layers to us. Layer after layer exists until a stinky solid aspect shines through: the bulb, our core.
When interacting socially, whether it be building rapport, escalating beyond the basic principles of pickup, or emotionally connecting, this “Onion Theory” can be applied. Display your personality image through layers, apply your emotions through layers, and work the steps of escalation through layers. Sounds fairly simple, right?
So what do I mean by layers? If you open yourself up (personality, emotions, etc) little by little, present to the audience aspects of you, and control the frame during these steps, then you can lead, follow, or bring with you any person you desire. And the best part of conducting this theory is that you are not dragging them forcefully; simply guiding them into your world. Until you get to the core, you have full control of where you place them in your onion and have complete understanding of where they place you in theirs.
Layers. Provide aspects of you, and wait until they reciprocate. You keep peeling through yourself and going deeper with them until you reach a point you want to stop, or until the core emerges. If you follow this theory, there should never be an emotional placement misunderstanding, and you will never be in the position of: “oh, I love you, why don’t you love me?”
If you run around with your entire self exposed you are leaving people with only a “love me” or “leave me” option. They have two choices: like you, or not. If you present yourself in layers (not just your personality, but also your emotions and emotional investment), then you won’t be so expressive and opinionated. You won’t be forcing them to make an instant decision. You are warming them up to you.
Lets take ME as an example.
I have a very strong personality, views that not many share, obvious motives and a real idealistic point of view. I am an extreme environmentalist and am extremely opinionated. Now if I were to run around and act like that, do you think I would be getting attention or escalation from ANYONE ? I’ll tell you right now….no. Because I used to be like that. Not only could I not convince anyone of my point of views, but I couldn’t attract a damn girl – even though I was PASSIONATE!
Now fast forward past the first stage, past my second stage, and lets bring this to the present day. I still have those beliefs, and I am still mostly that person….but I have realized in order to actually be who I want to be and make a difference, I need to be presentable first and foremost; I need to make sure to keep their mind open. I need to be an onion. Not to hide the true me, but to give people a chance to warm up to me, and to be open to someone such as myself.
If you show them who you are little by little by little…they will accept your traits and characteristics. Then you show a little more and since they already like what they see, subconsciously they have begun to already accept the next layer. If you reach a point where you don’t want to show them who you are any more, stop peeling. If you reach a point where you are beginning to think they don’t want to see any more of you (but are still in a content mindset), stop peeling. The greatest thing about the onion is that you chose when you are done peeling it. You only have to show as much as you want.
Another great part of this route is that you don’t have to make up stories. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you are not and you don’t have to act in ways you don’t normally act. You are being who you are. You are not tricking people into liking you, you’re just portioning your personality presentation.
1.) The Peeling away of each other’s layers; Escalation
Either you or her can initiate the “peeling,” but I would recommend since you are not sure where she stands, that you allow her to go first. This will give you the chance to calibrate and try to push your feelings to where they need to be. Lets assume for this scenario that she does want to grow into something, you do like her, and you would like to go further as well.
Alright, so how to tell? It is all about observation. They will give signs – once you detect them, you interpret them and decide what to do. Those signs will generally be insight into her. Conversation will be more open, new discussions will be added, more thoughts and feelings will be tossed into the mix. There might even be more depth and importance to each interaction you have with her. Physical body language will reflect an increased amount of comfort, and the sexual relations will be more meaningful and connected–still awesome, but with a purpose besides lust.
The good rapport will turn to great rapport as you two layer more and more. After she opens up a little, you open up a little. After you open a little, she will open more. So on and so on. Stop when she stops. By stopping at the first noticeable signs and taking a break on depth digging, you will never be on different layers. You’ve made sure to keep your bond equal; you know what you want, you know what she wants, and you are deciding where to go.
This reflects many attractive qualities: you’re not rushing, you’re not going to slow, your decisive, you’re understanding, you’re patient, and you care about the relationship. This escalation pause is also a good time for both people to think about where they hope to end up, and if they actually want to continue on. Obviously, if there is no connection or future, why would you want to go deeper?
What if she doesn’t stop? Then the choice is yours. If you want to continue escalating the relationship because you see it “going somewhere” then feel free to go with her. Make sure you travel at the same de-layering speed. But if she doesn’t stop and you want to, then your actions or words need to express that you are not interested in taking this further. Again, why go down to someone’s core if you don’t want to make a connection?
In each relationship or interaction you have, you need to understand how many layers you have and how deep you want to go.
2.) The entry into each other’s onion; Emotional Investment and Calibration
You can not control who you care about, what you care about, and how much you care. It is an emotion and (though many will tend to disagree) humans are at the mercy of their emotions. We can not control them–no matter how hard we try. But we can control how we interpret them, accept them, react to them, and express them.
So. You’ve begun to care about someone or something. The first step in this stage is to realize these emotions. Once you know your exact feelings you can control what you do with them and how you express them. You know what you feel, but now you need to know what she feels. The escalation and personality layering will help you answer that question but now it’s up to you to figure out where her emotional placement of you is. You use her emotions to calibrate how you express and control yours.
For example: If you really like her but she put you under the third (of fourteen) layers…then withdraw yourself a little and don’t be so emotionally open. This way you are protected. You won’t care for her or like her any less, but over time your feelings will sync with your actions and they will calibrate to the appropriate level.
Common sense and good observational skills will allow you to figure out where you and another person stand. Then guiding yourself through the use of layers will ensure that you two are standing side by side. Unfortunately because every onion is different you can’t always figure these things out on your own. This is a basic model that will help most of the time. If this isn’t a most of the time scenario for you, then don’t forget talking is an acceptable substitute. Think of the communication as a “time out.” It will give you two a chance to get onto the same layer and then….. “unpause”….take it from there.
About Locke Star TSBMag followers! I present to you myself, through the alias of Locke. I am a member of the pickup community, an avid self developer, growth promoter, and a robotic ninja pirate. I just became a contributing author to this wonderful land of knowledge; I hope that through my words and the words of everyone here, we can all help to build naturally attractive and socially adept men and women.