Body Language Essentials: Attract Women by Doing Nothing
One of the most important rules of picking up women is to not make it obvious you’re out to pick up women. One of my favorite mantras is that a guy who’s good with women is easy to identify, but hard to notice. Conversely, if I look across a bar or nightclub and spot a guy who looks as if he’s trying to pick up women, chances are that guy’s probably doing poorly in the ladies department.
Telltale signs that give away these pick up underachievers are all body language cues: nervously flailing hands, tentative facial expressions, and pecking their heads toward women as they keep their body at a “polite” distance away. These guys would probably look as if they were talking “at” women, speaking quickly as if desperate to hold their attention. They’d seem frantic, yet cautious; ballsy, though pathetic; interested, but sleazy.
Unfortunately, it’s very hard to avoid these mistakes when there’s a woman in front of you. Interacting with a hot woman is an intense experience. Your body responds to the intensity with the bad body language cues mentioned above—usually without you even realizing that it’s happening. Unless you’ve seen yourself picking up women from a third-person perspective, your biggest mistakes are probably happening unconsciously.
While you may blame your failures on what you said, or your inability to execute some pickup tip or strategy, most of your rejections probably stem from things you’re not even aware you’re doing. As someone whose job it is to critique men picking up women every weekend, unattractive body language is the culprit of most failed pickups.
Although, if you can just keep a couple pointers in mind, you make sure your body language speaks for you—not against you. In addition, holding yourself in an attractive way has the side benefit of calming your mind and keeping you feeling confident when speaking to an attractive woman.
Your hands are your biggest enemy when speaking with women. Being Italian, I know how easy it is to let you hands fly all over the place when you’re talking. While it feels as if you’re emphasizing what you’re saying with some hand flourish, you’re really making yourself look nervous and homosexual (sometimes even like a nervous homosexual).
Don’t let your hands repel women. Instead, hook your thumbs into your back pockets right as you begin an interaction with a woman. If your thumbs remain planted in your back pockets, you hands won’t fly around wildly as your speaking. Moreover, your chest will protrude naturally, which gets you to speak from your diaphragm.
The faces men make when approaching women are usually atrocious. While they’re often too goofy or too serious, one flaw usually underlies all unattractive facial expressions: they’re too transparent. Men telegraph their emotional state to a woman with the faces they make. If you’re beaming an ear-to-eat shit-eating grin, she’ll see you as a clown. If you’re walking up with a stolid frown as if you’re headed to the electric chair, she’ll know you take yourself way too seriously.
While I could list off dozens of examples, let’s cut to the chase—what’s the only facial expression that’s universally attractive? The answer lies in the smirk. A smirk—unlike a smile or a grin—is a smug, self-satisfied expression that screams: I love myself, but I also like what I see in front of me. A good smirk is the lovechild of a toothy smile and a smart-ass grin with a sprinkle of irony.
Imagine how your face would say, “I care about you…kinda.” If you can manage to get that look on your face, you’ve mastered the all-sexy smirk. It will feel like you’re speaking to women as you’re being tickled by the Hand of God.
Maintaining strong eye contact is one of the most obvious—yet most overlooked—aspects of a great pickup. Most people can only hold “polite” eye contact—which is completely different from “strong” eye contact. If I were on a job interview or talking to a friend, I’d make “polite” eye contact, which means I’d hold eye contact for a few seconds, and then break it to maintain a sense of comfort. Only a psycho would make strong eye contact with everyone.
When attracting women, however, strong eye is the only eye contact. Rather than “maintaining a sense of comfort” you want to inject sexual tension. Whenever you break eye contact, you deflect that tension. You may think I’m only referring to the eye contact you hold when you’re talking to a woman, although strong eye contact extends well beyond a face-to-face interaction.
Strong eye contact begins the moment you spot an attractive woman you want to approach. The second you decide to walk over to her, you should be holding strong eye contact. Even if she doesn’t notice you, she’ll feel you. That’s because strong eye contact elicits your sexual drive, as well.
As men, it’s our job to create sexual tension, whereas it’s a woman’s job to deflect that tension. Don’t do her job for her by making “polite” eye contact. Look into her eyes until she looks away every moment you can, regardless if you’re speaking with her or not.
(Psycho disclaimer: ONLY use this strategy if you’ve committed yourself to approach a woman and are about to do it. Simply staring into a woman’s eyes from a distance is not a good strategy. You will come off as one creepy motherfucker.)
Like polite eye contact, personal space is a folkway that exists outside of pickup. While leaving someone “personal space” may be polite, it’s not seductive. Therefore, whenever you’re interacting with a woman, cut the space between the two of you as quickly as possible.
Most often, I use the introductory handshake, to yank a girl closer to me. By significantly cutting the space between you and a woman, you make it seem less like a pickup attempt and more like two people who are already attracted to one another.
Remember: if it looks like you’re picking up a woman, you’re probably not doing it correctly. Only amateurs try to make women feel “comfortable” during a pickup; real men know attraction is predicated on emotions, which is the antithesis of comfort. Like MTV’s Real World, real pickups happen when people stop acting polite…and start getting bold.
To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.