How to Escalate
Not too long ago I wrote an article on WHY you must take things to a more sexual place with a woman you’re interested in, and WHEN to do so – but I never really explained the HOW. Buckle up, it’s time.
Keeping things simple: here are the three ways to take an interaction to a more romantic or sexual place:
This is by far the most important one. If you don’t have this, it doesn’t matter how sexual you are physically or verbally, she’ll just think you’re just joking around when you try to be more sexual and laugh off your advances or she’ll just think you’re awkward and get weirded out.
Escalation has to come from a feeling inside of you. Some people call it turn on, some people call it ‘horniness’, I just call it sexual energy. If you’re not truly feeling it, then she won’t feel it, and any other sexual moves you make will feel disingenuous. Women can always smell bullshit, and the only women you’ll be able to fool if you’re feelings aren’t sincere are women that want to be fooled.
If you are trying to repress that sexual energy because of fear or because you were raised to be ashamed of it, then the woman will sense that awkwardness and it’ll feel “creepy”. If she feels that sexual energy and becomes uncomfortable and you keep on giving it to her without regard for her feelings then that’s really creepy. However, as I discussed in great detail in the above article, if she’s attracted to you and she doesn’t feel your sexual energy burning a hole through your chest, you’ll lose her.
How do you make her feel it? Well, simply feeling it in her vicinity will do it. There’s a phenomenon called limbic resonance which basically means that we pick up the feelings of people around us, whether excited, sexual, or nervous. How do you want people to feel around you?
This effect can be magnified through eye contact, facial expression, and vocal tonality. On “Sexy” Saturdays of my clinics I do a drill where I talk to each client about breakfast, but do so with a sexual vibe using my eye contact, facial expression, and vocal tonality. It’s very clear to everyone in the room that we’re not talking about eggs, we’re talking about sex. The other important takeaway from this is that while your sexual energy will certainly be affected by your external circumstance, you can ultimately control it. Women want men who can bring their own sexual energy, not a guy who’s just looking to leach off of theirs. It’s a muscle, and while I have my clients practice drumming up their own sexual energy and communicating it with our female assistants, you can practice this on your own – just be careful who you use it on!
I can’t stress enough though, that it has to come from a genuine place of real emotion. If you try to just make a sexy face and voice, it’ll look as weird as when you try to fake a smile. Focus on building your sexual energy (it’s a muscle) and everything else will work out just perfectly.
Physical escalation can be intimidating for guys who aren’t used to being physically intimate, but if you’ve got the feel down it becomes much easier. There’s a bunch of specific ways that you can be more sexual physically, hand holding, putting your arm around her, kissing, and I teach many of these things on Saturday and have guys practice them on our lovely female assistants, however at it’s core, being sexual physically is far more simple than that.
All of that technical stuff is just trying to communicate to the woman one thing: “I want to be on you”. More specifically, “I want to touch you, I want our bodies to be closer together, it feels so good to feel you” – and if you’re genuinely attracted to this woman and letting those feelings fly then you should be dying to experience all of these things. Physical escalation is simply getting close to her because it feels good to you. If you try to do it the “right way” that will turn her on, it’ll probably feel awkward. If you do what feels good for you and stokes your sexual fire then it’ll feel good for her – limbic resonance and all.
It really doesn’t matter what specific way you do it, just as long as you’re letting this girl know that it feels amazing when you touch her and you just want to do it more. Please refer to my aforementioned article for how aggressive you should be with this.
This one often gets the most attention, but it’s really the least important. If you’re not doing the first two, she’ll either think you’re weird or joking and will probably just laugh off your advances. That being said, expressing your sexual attraction verbally can certainly spice things up. I’ll just run down a couple of the basics, but I think you get the idea here.
Giving a Compliment: They get a bad rap because we’ve misused them, but if you give a compliment, “you’re sexy”, because of the genuine attraction you’re feeling based on her actions (remember the point on when to escalate from my above article), then she’ll probably light up. If you use a compliment to try to manipulate her emotions, say to get her to be more friendly if she’s not in the mood, then she’ll probably hate you.
Going for the Number: It’s not a trophy, it’s a way of letting her know that you like her and want to see her again. If you get along well with a girl and you don’t ask her for her number, she’s going to begin to wonder what she did wrong – “why doesn’t he want to see me again?”. I’ve gone as far as to say, “I think you’re great but I didn’t take your number because I’m seeing someone” because could see she was questioning herself.
Again though, this is really simple You have to express the fact that you like this woman or she’ll find a guy who will. No that you know the WHY, the WHEN, and the HOW, there’s no excuse for you not to. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, taking on a new behavior in the face of your fear never is – but that’s why I’m here.
Remember, if you’re not having fun then you’re definitely not doing it right.
Here is another article related to the subject: https://www.tsbmag.com/2014/12/12/the-best-conversation-topics-to-quickly-escalate-sexual-tension/
About Nick Sparks Nick Sparks is a professional social and dating coach located in the New York area. His specialties include building genuine and lasting confidence, removing barriers of fear and self doubt in the face of women and social situations, and helping men gain self acceptance and power through unleashing of their sexuality. He's taught hundreds of clients to become genuinely confident, fearless and charming since 2008, and is known for his direct, highly sexual style of game Check out Sparks of Attraction.