How To Use The Power Of Questions To Attract The Women You Want
Today I want to talk about asking questions.
But before I talk about using questions, I want to talk about how questions are viewed by a lot of the other experts out there…
They’re viewed as the kiss of death, and there is a very good reason behind that. When the whole dating education industry got started a few years ago, many experts viewed asking questions as a bad thing. I’m talking about questions like:
“Hey, what’s your name? Where are you from? Do you have a boyfriend? What do you do for fun? Where did you go to college? Where do you hang out? Do you want to go to dinner?”
And there is something to that, but there is actually a deeper, rooted psychological reason why question-based interactions don’t work, and it has nothing to do with the fact that they’re lame, or the fact that everyone is doing it, or the fact that they are all the same.
It has to do with something called the law of reciprocity. The law of reciprocity basically states that because humans are not well equipped to survive in the world, meaning that we don’t have claws, or fangs, or anything like that, we had to become social animals. We had to bond together in order to build cities, in order to be safe from saber tooth tigers, etc.
What happened was, human beings have psychologically become programmed with something called the law of reciprocity, which basically states that if you do something for someone first — if you give someone some information, if you give someone a gift, if buy someone a drink— they are going to be more likely to give something back to you. And the reason is pretty simple. If someone does something for us, that is a good sign that they have our best interest at heart, which is going to make us more inclined to do stuff for them. If someone just tries to take, and take, and
take, then we don’t like that.
So when you approach a girl, she doesn’t know anything about you, you don’t know anything about her and you just try to get her to give you information:
“What’s your name? Oh, I’m Jon.”
But you’re giving her information secondly; you are reciprocating as opposed to going first.
“Where are you from? What do you do? Where did you go to college?”
She is being asked to contribute first in the hopes that she’ll get something back, as opposed to the law of reciprocity which states that if we want information or a gift from someone, we have to give something to them first.
Question-based interactions violate the law of reciprocity by asking the girl to give us information without us giving her that information first. So, based on that, we can learn that the best way to ask questions is by asking them after we already give the girl the information.
So that’s the real reason that question-based interactions don’t work, they violate the law of reciprocity. If we can cling to the idea or reciprocity and give information about ourselves before we ask a question, we will have a much better response in our socializing.
In general, there is nothing wrong with questions, you just have to make sure that you’ve given information before you ask your questions. Think of asking a question as a request for something. So if you haven’t given any value, any information, to the girl first, she will be less inclined to answer.
Even if she does, she’s going to start to lose interest because you are violating this very basic psychological rule. If you are going to ask questions, you will want to use them in a specific way, and in social comfort there are three general purposes we want to use a question for. The first one is, to set up a story or topic of conversation as a transition.
“Hey, have you guys ever been to the Hollywood sign”, “Oh, check this out.” And then tell a story that relates to the question.
Another reason to ask a question is to tease.
Sometimes when I blank out and I’m trying to meld social comfort, I will just ask a social question like, “Where are you from? Where do you go to college?” And then I will tease the girl on her answer? So if I’m out in Hollywood and I say, “Where are you from?” And the girl says, “I’m from Orange County”, and I think: “mental note, do not date this girl, Orange County girls are trouble.
But I’m asking a question specifically to tease here, specifically to break that social comfort and to start the attraction-building process.
I’m not just going to ask a question to get information. I’m never going to be like, “Where are you from—oh, cool.”
Another way is to relate and build commonalities; that’s kind of the opposite side of the coin. If I feel like this girl doesn’t need to be teased, but I do need to relate to her and build commonalities, I might say, “Where are you from?” and she may say, “Oh, Colorado.” And I would say, “Oh, you know I go out to Colorado once a year for snowboarding, I stay in Breckenridge. I love the people out there, they’re really nice.” Building commonality, showing her we have things in common, builds a connection and some rapport.
So now you’ve got the full scoop on asking questions, you know that you shouldn’t ask too many questions until you already have some social value or have at least provided the girl with some information. And you know the three best reasons to ask a question are to transition, tease or build rapport.
I talk about this topic and much more in my Effortless Conversation System, which is available to day for only $5.95. Get your copy here.
Hope that helps.
About john sinn Sinn is widely regarded as the second best PUA in the world. Sinn is known for his hard nosed style and take no excuses approach to teaching. He is a nondenominational teacher, which means that he subscribes to no particular method and instead blends the best of every school of seduction to create the best possible results for himself and his students. Sinn is currently running his own pick up company The Sinns Of Attraction, which offers live, phone and email training.