A Shy Introvert’s Guide To Dating
I struggled with introversion for years.
In my teens, I would rarely socialize, and sit inside all summer playing video games. In my very early twenties, socializing was something that genuinely frightened me. It wasn’t until after I graduated from university that I really started getting a handle on my social life.
In the years since I’ve developed into what most people would call ‘an extrovert.’ But in reality, I’m still the same guy I’ve always been. All that’s changed is that I’ve built solid habits.
There’s a trap that comes with being introverted that a lot of guys fall into: They think they’re set in stone, and they think the world unfairly advantages extroverts.
And when it comes to dating, they really, really fall into this trap.
The reality though is a little different. Rather than trying to change who you are, what you actually have to do is embrace it.
Because when you do, you’ll realize that ‘trap’ was never real, and your introversion isn’t quite the prison you thought it was.
Especially not in dating.
When you’re introverted, the last thing you want to do is socialize. So it’s no wonder that dating is difficult.
Unfortunately, to start this article with some bad news – you still have to put yourself out there and socialize. If you want to have a good dating life, this is unavoidable.
The art of dating as an introverted man isn’t avoiding socializing entirely, but finding forms of socializing that work for you.
Everyone’s anxiety is different. For some, it’s extremely strong. For others, it’s a mild annoyance. But for whatever level of anxiety you have, there is a way to manage it.
You take consistent, small steps.
One of the paradoxes of the internet is that it’s now easier than ever to convince yourself your problems are harder than they actually are to solve.
With the click of a button, you can end up on youtube staring at some guy approaching women on a busy street telling you this is just what you need to do.
And if you’re anything like most introverted guys – this is just about as close as you get to a living nightmare.
The reality is far different. You don’t need to do anything remotely like that, you just need to take consistent, small steps in the direction of your anxiety.
Introverted men tell me all the time that they wish they were more charismatic, more energetic and more outgoing. And every time they say that I laugh.
Because they don’t need any of these things. What they need to do is rock what they’ve got.
They don’t talk as much. They’re emotionally calm. They don’t give much about themselves away.
Nothing about that is inherently unattractive. In fact, it’s called the ‘strong silent’ type for a reason. And some women (read: most of them) love it.
Embracing this is not a bad idea, in fact, it’s a great idea. You just have to make sure you combine it with this…
If you don’t sexually escalate your relationships then you will always have a lackluster dating life.
When introverted men tell me that they’re too quiet to get women, what I always hear is that they aren’t escalating their relationships.
They aren’t sexualizing the conversation, they aren’t telling her she’s cute, they aren’t touching her, or going in for the kiss early.
Because as long as you do those things – you can be as quiet and mysterious as you like.
When you’re introverted, social situations make you anxious. They’re uncomfortable, you tend to overthink everyone’s perception of you, and they often stress you out.
So even if you’re extremely sexually confident, approaching women in busy social situations are a no-go. The risk of embarrassment is too high.
Bars? Clubs? No chance.
You want to direct your energies into environments where there are fewer people, and you can have a more one-on-one conversation with the woman.
This doesn’t mean that you’re in any way limited, it just means that you have to be smart about where you look. You can’t just mimic every PUA you see on youtube.
If you’re introverted and you aren’t on online dating, then you’re making a huge mistake. Online dating is the single easiest way to bypass all the social discomfort that would normally hold you back.
Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself:
‘Online dating is shallow and people only care about how good your photos are, how cool your life looks, and how good looking you are.’
To which I say: Yeah. All of that is true.
If you aren’t improving your looks and lifestyle, then you have no business complaining about your dating results. These aren’t just fundamentals, they ARE the fundamentals.
Use online dating’s shallowness to your advantage. Use it as a roadmap to improving your grooming, clothes, lifestyle, and looks – and then get some great photos taken of yourself. By a professional if necessary.
Online dating is like anywhere else, if you put in the work, you will get the rewards.
Outside of online dating, there are many venues where you can make any situation where you have to approach a woman easier.
In general, you want to pick anywhere that has a small to medium amount of people that you share a mutual interest with. This is going to mitigate your shyness and make the conversion that much easier.
Some good examples of these are:
You don’t need to become a social butterfly, but if you start slowly implementing the steps listed above, and utilizing your strengths, introversion won’t be an obstacle.
Because in reality, it isn’t. It just means you have to approach dating in a more original way.
About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.