Why Getting Rejected Is So Important
Rejection sucks. Hell, getting rejected can seem like the worst thing in the world. Some of the rejections I’ve had have really made me feel like I suck.
I’m sure it’s the same for you. So, like anyone, you avoid it.
But in reality, it’s the best tool you have.
If you want the simplest shortcut to improving your dating life, meeting better quality women, overcoming anxiety, and defeating neediness – then the answer you’re looking for is rejection.
The magic pill in dating is the one you’ve been avoiding the most.
If you want to have a successful dating life – whether that’s dating one woman or dozens – you have to get rejected. There is no other way to go about it.
There’s a quote by Thomas J. Watson that says ‘if you want to be successful, double your failure rate.’
This idea applies to life and business, but it also applies to dating.
One of the things that surprised me when I first started improving my dating life was that the most successful guys I met in real life weren’t the ones who got rejected the least, they were the ones that got rejected the most.
At first, this confused me. But as I started to learn for myself, it began to make a lot of sense.
A huge amount of dating is dependent on luck. No matter what you do some women just aren’t going to be interested in you.
Being successful in dating isn’t about attracting all women. It’s about sorting your own life out, then finding the ones that are into you already.
In order to find them, you have to get rejected by all the ones that aren’t. Often, this is quite a few rejections. But the more often you go through them, the more often you meet women who are into you.
This is why guys who date a lot of women get rejected the most. They’re playing the game as it is, rather than hiding from it and hoping it becomes something else.
The longer you try to please everyone, the more you will never meet someone who has a strong response to you.
When we try to please everyone, we act in a way that is inoffensive to everyone but also doesn’t fill anyone with passion.
We make people feel very little. We’re just there.
With women, making them feel very little is just about one of the worst things you can ever do.
When you stop trying to please everyone and instead live in line with your interests, passions, values, and boundaries – what happens is that you start to meet a lot of people who just do not like you.
As you can imagine, this means you get rejected more.
But what also happens, is that you start meeting a lot more people who really do like you.
Instead of sitting in the middle, you’re now operating at either end of the spectrum. This is called polarisation.
Your personality is naturally filtering for people who are into you. The ones who are will make themselves known very quickly.
The ones who aren’t will reject you.
But as you can probably imagine – that’s a good thing.
Why would you want someone to like you if they didn’t genuinely like who you were?
The biggest obstacle guys face in dating is their approach anxiety. Sure, there are others, but by far the most frequent is their simple fear of approaching.
The idea of walking up to a woman and hitting on her terrifies them. It makes them freeze, it makes their chests seize up, it fills them with all the symptoms of anxiety.
And their thoughts start to say:
‘But what if she rejects me? How do I stop her rejecting me?’
So they try to learn, and learn, and learn so that they can figure out a way to avoid rejection and thus dodge their anxiety.
But here’s the truth:
The ONLY way to get over approach anxiety is to approach and get rejected.
There is no other way.
When you approach and get rejected, you quickly learn that you can survive, and this ‘thing’ you’ve been afraid of really isn’t that scary.
This is why whenever I get asked how to overcome approach anxiety, I say ‘go and get rejected.’
Because sure enough, it works.
When a guy is inexperienced with women, one of the things he will try to do is latch on to an idea of how he ought to behave in order to be successful.
He’ll try to be cool, suave, confident, cocky. He’ll try to imitate some guy he’s seen in a movie, or some guy he saw in a youtube video. He’ll try to be anyone but himself.
But this is a mistake.
Part of getting good at dating is learning to embrace your own personality, rather than filter it through some preconceived mold. The more you learn to do this the better your chemistry and charisma will be.
But in order to learn to do this, you have to get rejected a lot.
The reason for this is simple:
When you aren’t experienced you consistently filter yourself and hold yourself back in ways that are bizarre and don’t make any logical sense. But they DO make sense for your anxiety.
When you start learning what your own style is (aka, your personality), you start to undo the ways in which you filter yourself. But you’re often clumsy at this. You make mistakes.
It is through these mistakes that you find your baseline of personality.
When your neediness is at its peak, you will desperately want validation from other people. You want this so badly that not only will you take it wherever you can get it, but you will avoid rejection at all costs.
Because your neediness feeds beliefs that you’re ‘not good enough’, you’re terrified of anyone validating that. You think getting rejected will make your feelings worse.
But what actually happens is something a little different.
The more you get rejected, the more you realize how inaccurate those feelings were. The more you get rejected, the more harmless those feelings feel. The more you get rejected, the less you feel controlled by your own neediness.
In other words, rejection is just about the best thing for you.
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About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.