How To Get Better Results From Online Dating
Be honest with yourself, how much effort do you really put into online dating?
Sure, we all like to complain about how much online dating sucks and how shallow it is, but if you really, truthfully appraised your efforts to date – how much of that would be online datings fault, and how much of it would be yours?
We can all put more effort in our dating lives, and if we want get better results form online dating, we have to. Starting today.
If you think online dating sucks, and is shallow, in many ways you’re right. Talking to people over apps is a terrible way to communicate, and judging people’s worth based off a few pictures is about as stupid as it gets.
But that’s also the way it is. And whilst online dating has all these flaws, it’s also an incredibly time efficient, less anxious way of going about dating. This is why it’s so popular.
Now, for some of you, these benefits won’t be enough. The flaws will be all that you see and they’ll turn you in the opposite direction. But here’s the thing:
All the ‘flaws’ of online dating are things you can use to your advantage. And if you’re serious about getting a better dating life, you should already be doing this.
Let me explain:
If you’re serious about getting a better dating life, you should be serious about improving your looks and your lifestyle. These are fundamental to your success in dating, so if you aren’t doing these – what are you doing?
In online dating this is doubly important, as your looks and lifestyle are specifically what you’re being evaluated on. Every woman who looks at your pictures will be assessing these two things (and a third, but we’ll get to that).
What does this mean?
This means that:
Your pictures are advertising your life and your looks. With this in mind, you have to start getting better at advertising your life.
In face to face interactions, this is a lame thing to do. People who do this suck, and you should really let your life speak for itself. But on online dating, you have to do this. It’s just the way it works.
What this essentially means is that you’re advertising yourself as an attractive man, who has his shit together, and lives an attractive life. If you’re improving your dating life, you should already be building towards all of these things – online dating is just about marketing it through pictures.
But you also want to do something else.
When it comes to women, your attractiveness isn’t actually the be all and end all. How she feels about you, and more specifically, what she feels about you (if anything at all) is far, far more important.
You can have next to nothing going for you, but if she feels something around you that she likes, she’ll find a way to ignore it.
Interpersonally this comes down to connection, chemistry, and any sexual vibe the two of you share. In online dating, this almost always comes down to how your pictures make her feel.
I.e. Do they make her laugh? Do you look like someone who is fun to be around? Do they make her feel like you’re a trustworthy, normal guy? Or do they make her feel like you’re a headcase?
The emotions are everything – and as a general rule, you can’t go wrong with funny pictures.
Dating is a numbers game. If you want to have a great dating life, you have to speak to (and ask out) a certain amount of women.
That’s just the way it is. It doesn’t matter if you are Don Juan or Casanova, the numbers game rules the roost.
In real life, this translates as “you will constantly get rejected for reasons that are completely out of your control.” I.e. She has a boyfriend, you’re not her type, or she’s just in a rush. There isn’t anything you can do about this so you just have to weather the rejections until you meet a woman who’s into you.
But in online dating, this is a little different…
People are far less invested in online dating interactions than they are in face to face ones. This is because they’re busy, they’ve got stuff going on in their lives, and they don’t know you well enough to spend all that time glued to their phone. Why would they?
This means that interactions are far more likely to fizzle out, and you’re far more likely to be rejected. Often not because of anything you did, but simply because of the nature of online dating itself.
The result of this is that you have to play the numbers game more in order to compensate for the inherent flaws of online dating itself. This means a higher messaging volume, but also not relying on one platform.
You want to spread your activity. Play around with the amount of messages / swipes you make per day, and see what works (more is usually better). Try a variety of apps (i.e. Ok Cupid, Tinder, Bumble) and see which ones work for you. It may even change day to day.
The trick is to not put all your eggs in a very small, very limited basket. Play the numbers game and cast your net wide.
When it comes to dating, what works for me won’t work for you. And what works for you won’t work for me. This goes for real life, but also for online dating.
And just like real life, you have to experiment and find out what suits you best.
Some apps favour certain types of guys more than others. If you’re a handsome musician for instance, tinder is probably a good idea. For guys with less superficial advantages, less superficial apps are going to be advantageous – i.e. Ok Cupid.
Realistically appraising yourself and putting yourself in the most likely environment to succeed is just a good idea. Likewise, you want to try out different sets of pictures and bios and see which ones women are responding to. This is for a simple reason – what you think is the cool and attractive version of yourself almost never is.
Women will like 1000 and 1 things about you, but it’s never, ever pictures of your car/motorbike/pad (although if you have a dog it’s probably that). You can’t really predict it, so just focus on everything I said regarding advertising, and experiment.
Believe me, they’ll figure it out for themselves. Just make sure you’re not sticking to something that isn’t working because you’ve decided (for some reason) that it should be.
Online dating requires a lot of trial error. When you start, you’re going to get things wrong. That’s normal. Persist, try new things, and keep learning.
You’ll get there in the end.
If you’ve done all of the above, you’re going to get matches / messages. Women are going to see your profile, feel some kind of attraction (big or small) and they’re going to want to speak to you.
You can’t control whether or not you’ll have chemistry with a girl. Some you will. Some you won’t. That’s life. But there are certain things you can at least try to get right.
Here’s what you want to do:
1) Start with the end in mind
You don’t want to keep talking to a woman on a dating app without a clear idea of what your “goal” is. If you don’t know, you goal is to escalate things towards a date. The first thing you want to do then, is get her number.
This doesn’t mean that you ask for her number in your opening message, it just means that you chat with her for a little bit, and once theres a good rapport between the two you, you stop messing around and ask for her number.
Don’t overcomplicate it, just say something to the effect of:
“Let’s talk on WhatsApp. Whats your number?”
2) Keep it light it but keep it moving
You don’t want to get super serious in conversations on apps (or texting for that matter). The reason for this is simple:
Text based communication is a really poor way to communicate. It’s very easy to get bored, and people are often half-arsing conversations as they watch TV – it sucks.
Because of this, it’s generally a good idea to go for an emotion like fun – keeping things light hearted and enjoyable, as you move things towards Whatsapp, and then asking her to meet up in person.
3) Stand out from the crowd
When you’ve got her number, one of the best things you can do is call her. It’s a pretty disarming move, but it works for a number of reasons:
The last thing you want to do is not completely rely on online dating for all your experience. The more you get experience outside of online dating – meeting women at parties, social hobbies, bars / clubs – the more you’ll naturally develop a comfort with your own anxiety, and a relationship with your sexuality that will massively separate you from the guys who take the easier route by just using apps.
About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.