How To Improve Your Sexual Confidence
Let me ask you something, do you think you’ve ever been described like this:
“I dunno, he was really nice and funny… but I just didn’t really feel it.”
“We get on… But he’s more like my brother…”
“It was fun, but I just couldn’t see myself with him like that.”
Have you? Maybe you get described like this right now. If so, it all comes down to one thing: your sexual confidence.
Sexual confidence underpins so much of your success in dating. When you don’t have sexual confidence, your interactions with women almost always head in one direction: friendship. Without sexual confidence, you never will make the moves and take the risks necessary to separate yourself from friend to lover.
And as a result, you’ll always be wondering why you never seem to be getting the results that other guys are getting. You’ll probably wonder if there’s something wrong with you.
Well, the good news is that there isn’t. You just have to start working muscles you’ve never worked before.
Sexual confidence is the ability to act on your sexual desires despite the presence of fear and anxiety. It is not being supremely confident. The experience of fear and anxiety is part of the process. This means you can approach women you’re attracted to despite being afraid, flirt with a woman despite being afraid, and kiss a woman despite being afraid.
As all of these actions incite rejection, they’re naturally going to provoke a feeling fear with you. If she isn’t receptive to you, she’s going to reject your advances, and that will suck. This is why despite being able to act despite the feelings of fear and anxiety, they are always there.
Where rejection goes, fear and anxiety always follow.
The general experience of sexual desire is one of attraction and nervousness. You’re attracted to her, but you’re nervous that she’ll reject you. Hell, for many guys, they’re so nervous they’ll get rejected that they become just as nervous that she’ll find out they’re attracted to her in the first place. So they hide their desire.
The experience of sexual confidence is a comfort with this risk of rejection, and an embrace of the inherent nervous tension. There is nothing more to it than this.
The general overlying principle then is that you want to build comfort with rejection, and create the habit of embracing nervous tension (otherwise known as sexual tension). Those are what you want to aim for, but what are the ways of developing them?
The first thing you want to do is become comfortable with eye contact, as when it comes to expressing your sexual desire, your eyes are going to do most of the heavy lifting.
The way to develop comfort with eye contact is to start practicing holding eye contact with everyone. Don’t just limit it to attractive women. Practice it with random people on the street, your friends, your family, cashiers, everyone. Get in the habit of only looking away when they do.
At first, this will be difficult. If you haven’t built these muscles then they’re going to take a lot of exercising before you gain even a modicum of comfort. But persistence here will pay off, and over time, you’ll have a foundation of confidence in your eye contact that will pay massive dividends when it comes to expressing your sexual desire.
The main thing holding you back from being sexually confident isn’t a lack of experience or some fundamental flaw to your character, but rather that you’re stuck in patterns of avoidance that you aren’t aware of.
Do you diffuse sexual tension with humor? Do you diffuse it by appearing as a harmless friend? Do you avoid sexuality by repressing your sexuality entirely?
You need to think back to moments where you diffused, repressed, or avoided sexual tension and pay attention to the behavioral action that you took. When you think back to enough of these moments you will begin to notice behavioral patterns. These are your patterns of avoidance.
Once you’ve spotted your patterns of avoidance it becomes a lot easier to notice where you’re going wrong in the moment and correct your behavior so it’s more in line with your intentions. Addressing this obstacle early on in the process gives you a head start at building the confidence you desire.
If sexual confidence is all about having an inherent comfort with risk, then you need to start taking risks with your sexual expression in order to start building that comfort. This means you need to start moving in the direction of your anxiety.
Where building a habit of eye contact and uncovering your patterns of avoidance are simple and introspective activities, taking risks and confronting anxiety is difficult. Your entire body is going to try and convince you that it is a bad idea and you should immediately change course. But you have to stay your course if you want to gain the comfort you need.
My advice? Start small.
If you struggle to maintain eye contact, then aiming to go in for the kiss 10 minutes into a date is probably a bad idea. You’re going to be way too nervous, and you’re going to talk yourself out of it.
You want to start smaller – whats the smallest risk you can take in expressing your sexual interest? Is it complimenting her? Is it asking her out? Is it holding eye contact with her and not looking away? Is it flirting?
Start small, and take the risk. Take it consistently until you’re comfortable with it, then move on to something harder. Slowly, over time, you’ll have developed the comfort with it that you were looking for in the first place.
Rejection is the equivalent to repetitions in the gym when it comes to improving your sexual confidence. Just as taking risks is going to get you more familiar with comfort, aiming for rejection is going to consistently have you pushing the boundaries of your own sexual comfort.
This means two things:
When you realize that rejection isn’t this life-threatening thing you once thought it was, you become far more capable of authentically expressing your sexual desire in a confident way. Instead of wondering how you can avoid rejection, you deliberately take actions that will either get you rejected very fast or accepted very fast.
This isn’t just a good strategy for improving your sexual confidence, but it’s also a great strategy for efficiently meeting women who are genuinely into you, as opposed to pursuing and trying to avoid rejection with women who aren’t.
When you’re talking to a woman and you’re nervous, it can seem like silence is your worst enemy, but this isn’t the case – it’s actually one of your best friends, you just don’t know it yet.
When two people are attracted to one another, almost all of this is communicated non-verbally. When you find this non-verbal communication uncomfortable (i.e. sexual tension) you try to diffuse it as quickly as possible.
One of the most common ways guys do this is by talking, and talking, and talking. Never letting it go silent.
The reason the silence scares them so much is that they’re just left with the tension and the fact that they should act on it. They should kiss her. Ask her out. Whatever.
But that invites rejection – so… cue talking.
What actually happens though is that when you allow the conversation to go silent, you’re only allowing that non-verbal attraction to be communicated. This causes the sexual tension between the two of you to sky-rocket. She’ll often smile at this point and yes, you should make a move and try and kiss her.
When you stop running from silence and instead learn to embrace it, you begin to see it as a valuable tool for conveying the attraction and desire that you want to convey.
You aren’t the special snowflake you think you are. All of your troubles with sexual confidence – the anxiety, the fear, the avoidance – these are all things women experience. They struggle with them just as much as you do.
Many women don’t know how to flirt. Many are terrified of approaching. Other’s are afraid of getting rejected for a kiss. Contrary to what many gurus on the internet will tell you – we’re not as different as we look.
Remembering this is key. To feel uncomfortable with sexual tension is normal. She feels it too. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and start accepting that this is just part of the process. And once you’ve done that…
Shut up and take a risk.
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About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.