Getting Your First Girlfriend – The Dating
Over the past few weeks, I’ve written a couple of articles about getting a girlfriend. The first covered the basics. Everything you need to know to get started. The next covered how to flirt with girls to express your interest. Combined, they give you a solid foundation of knowledge on how to get your first girlfriend.
This article is all about the tricky art of dating. What guys get wrong, how they blow it, and how you can avoid those same mistakes.
Let’s dive in.
Despite the context of this series of posts, you don’t necessarily need to date a girl to eventually have her as a girlfriend. My first girlfriend I can’t recall going on a single date with. We just hung out through mutual friends, then alone, then, after enough time passed we ended up in a relationship.
However, there are two things to understand:
Most guys, especially inexperienced guys, get dating completely wrong. They view it as a terrifying, nervous audition for the girl’s affection, which is almost entirely determined by whether or not she has sex with them.
This has guys:
– Making too many jokes.
– Avoiding sexuality out of fear that they’ll ‘mess it up.’
– Trying to impress her.
– Talking too much.
– Never kissing her until the very last second of the date.
– Trying to pretend they’re cooler than her or indifferent.
All of this completely sucks.
Not only is this a terrible, shitty, and boring way to go about dating, but it’s LESS likely to end with you having sex.
So even if that was your sole goal in life (which it shouldn’t be), this is a terrible way to go about achieving it.
Guys get this wrong in dating because for one reason or another they’ve put women on a pedestal.
They feel women are better than them or that they’re unworthy of female attention. This stems from issues of shame, self-worth, and probably, mommy issues.
A lot of guys get uncomfortable around this, but it’s the truth. As long as your issues go unacknowledged and untreated, they’ll continue to mess with your dating life. You’ll always put women on a pedestal, and to medicate your feelings of low self-worth, you’ll focus on the outcome of having sex.
Every time you get laid you’ll feel, briefly, like you’re worthwhile again. Until it wears off and you need to get your next fix.
Here’s what you should do instead…
The outcome of dating should always be fun. If the two of you aren’t enjoying each other’s company, then what’s the point? It doesn’t matter whether she’s got double D tits and an ass that would fill MC Hammer’s pants – if you don’t have a good time with her… It’s not worth it.
Because you’re not putting her or her vagina on a pedestal.
When you focus on fun, you, as a result, end up prioritizing two things:
These are both things you won’t do if you’ve got her on a pedestal and are pursuing sex as an outcome. You’ll constantly be wondering whether she likes you and wondering what she wants to do.
As a result, you’ll both be bored shitless.
Look, I get it, sex and naked girls and all that is a lot of fun. I’m not a member of the castrati after all.
But… it doesn’t really matter whether you have sex on the first date or not.
It doesn’t mean your date went amazingly well, and it also doesn’t mean (if it doesn’t happen) that it went shockingly bad.
I’ve slept with girls on the first date who never spoke to me again. They didn’t have a great date, didn’t feel a connection, but slept with me because they happened to be in the mood and I got lucky. I know this because when I asked myself if I really liked them, the answer was no.
I’ve also been on multiple dates with girls before they slept with me. We’ve had a great time in each of them, one that should have been guaranteed to end up with me having sex. But… It didn’t. She either wasn’t in the mood, was the kind of girl who liked to take her time, or she was just not feeling very comfortable with her body.
Who knows? Either way… It’s fine and I respected her decision. I had a good time either way and I didn’t take it personally.
Despite what a lot of dating advice says, sex is always decided by her. And it’s often got nothing to do with you and simply to do with whatever she’s feeling at the time. Dating advice just simply puts you in a position where you have increased chances of meeting women who are into you and looking to dive into the sheets that night.
There is something I’ve learned though…
When you focus on the fun, the sex will come. Men and women who are attracted to one another and have a great time in one another’s company will almost always find a way to fuck each other’s brains out.
It just happens. So focus on the fun and let the sex take care of itself.
The actual ‘art’ of dating is pretty simple.
You share a relatively varied experience with someone new, connecting emotionally and sexually while having a good time.
Here’s how you go about doing this so that it largely takes care of itself.
You want to pick different venues that you can bounce between.
This can be a cocktail, an ice cream bar, and a salsa club. It could be a park, a museum, and an art gallery.
It’s entirely up to you. Get creative and try and keep them relatively close together.
The reason you want to do this is two-fold. First, it puts you in a position where you’re feeling more spontaneous, fun, and in charge, which will make you feel more confident. Second, it has you going on a sort of mini-adventure together, which has you feeling more connected.
Without comfort, you can’t have attraction. So you always want to make her and yourself as comfortable as possible first.
What does this mean?
Get to know each other. Share details about your lives. Make a few jokes. Show that you’re not a dangerous psychopath (because you’re not… Right?). And all in all, just be normal around her.
Save the flirting for later. Just relax and get to know each other. Don’t stick a timer on this, when you feel more comfortable around her, you’ll know.
After you’ve got comfort out of the way your next step -you’d think- would be to straight to escalating, kissing, and all that steamy stuff right?
Not quite. While you can go there, I find that if you’re inexperienced you always want to get the fun in place first. Start joking with her more, being more spontaneous, playing games (i.e. if there’s a pool table), make fun of her, make fun of yourself, all that stuff.
Then, once you’ve locked down the comfort and fun, you can start escalating things.
You’re not there to be friends, so start flirting with her and expressing your sexual interest. This is can be done in several ways, but here’s a basic order of intensity you can follow:
All of this can be done anywhere depending on her comfort. Some girls will make out with you in a bar, others like a little more privacy. Every girl, just like you, has her own speed. Respect it.
Each level will require you to make a move. This means that it’s going to feel scary, but you just have to do it. Shut up, stop talking, and kiss her.
You can do all of these steps in one minute, or it can take multiple dates. It depends on her and it depends on you. There is no right or wrong speed for this, it’s just what you’re into.
But don’t think it HAS to take 30 minutes. It can be as fast as you’re both comfortable with. As long as you’re both comfortable and having a modicum of fun, rapidly escalate the sexual tension. Dating is about sexual relationships after all, not about being friends.
Long term dating has the same principles, except you want to get deeper into knowing each other. Find out more about her, share more about yourself, and build that trust between you. However, dates should almost always prioritize fun and sexuality, save the truly deep talk for the pillow.
Oh, and if you’ve been dating a girl for a while… Ask her to be your girlfriend. Don’t overthink it, accept the nerves, and ask.
You’ll only find out the answer if you do.
If you’ve followed everything in these three articles, then you’ll know everything you need to do. Go out there and do it.
About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.