Getting Your First Girlfriend – The Basics
My first relationship came out of nowhere. I had gotten sick of my appalling (read: non-existent) results with women and had started hitting the gym in a desperate effort to get more attention and have them profess their until-now secret feelings for me.
The latter part never happened, but, as a result of me taking better care of myself, I did start to feel slightly more confident and start getting more positive attention from women.
But despite this attention, nothing really came of it. At least until my future first girlfriend showed up. We met briefly through a friend and there was an instant connection and attraction. It was obvious that we liked each other, and because of that, we were both slightly nervous around each other. But then that meeting came to an end, and she went back to her life, and me to mine.
Nothing came of it.
So, nervous and terrified, I did something I’ve never done before. I made a move. I told her I liked her and I asked her out.
I figured she’d reject me, be seeing someone already, only want me as a friend, think was inexperienced… all that stuff. I was terrified.
But in reality, none of that stuff happened.
Instead, we hooked up. She liked me. I liked her. Not long after, she became my first girlfriend.
Until then, it was something I never would have predicted.
Here’s the truth:
Any guy can get a girlfriend. Across the next few weeks, I’m going to explain the core principles any guy can follow that will get him his first relationship.
Today’s article is about the basic fundamentals that every guy needs to know. Not excessive detail, not complex techniques, just the most simple and essential fundamentals, that if a guy did them, would result in his first relationship.
You really don’t have to do much to get a girlfriend. Girls aren’t nearly as picky as you think they are, and they aren’t nearly as swamped with attention as most guys believe. Most of the attention they get is from creepy, desperate guys. In reality, most girls have pretty reasonable standards – they just want a nice, normal guy to hang out with, laugh with, watch Netflix with, and have lots of sex with.
In other words… They’re looking for a guy like you.
Here’s what you need to do:
The biggest obstacle most guys face is that they come across like they’re creepy and desperate. This translates as:
Their behavior comes across as fake or covert because they’re hiding their sexual desire for her.
Their behavior comes across as too intense, too attached, or too needy because they value her opinion of them too highly.
Both of these stem from a sense of sexual shame and a desire to be emotionally validated by women.
This means that you probably feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or has to be hidden (especially when it comes to you), and no woman would ever be interested in that from you.
It also means that you feel that you’re not that great and that you need a woman’s attention in order to feel good about yourself. The ultimate validation from her being sex.
Both of these are not only false (sex is fine, and you don’t need validation), but they are the single most important issue you can deal with. If you don’t deal with these two issues, they will fundamentally impact your dating life in negative ways, indefinitely.
So the question is – how do you deal with them?
First, you acknowledge they’re there. Take a look at your behavior, beliefs, and thoughts around women and sexuality and ask yourself whether these are motivated by a sense of shame and neediness. Do you pursue validation form women? Do you hide your sexual intentions?
Second, you need to ask yourself what behaviors you could take, however small, that would challenge these issues. For example, if you hide any sexual intent by avoiding eye contact with women, then steadily increasing the amount of eye contact you make with them will challenge your issues around sexuality.
Third, if necessary, work with these issues alongside a therapist. This is something countless guys have done, including me, and it’s been a huge benefit.
Often once you’ve started to manage these issues, all your other issues with your dating life will begin to resolve themselves on their own. That’s how much of an impact these have, so sort them out first.
Many guys shoot themselves in the foot before they even get started. And they do this by not taking care of themselves.
If you have any of the following, they need to be fixed immediately:
Fixing these will make huge strides into making you far, far more attractive to women, and far more confident. Likewise, over the long term, fixing these additional points will see huge boosts to your confidence and attractiveness:
The latter can be anything as simple as reading. That’s what it was for me. I read a shitload of classic books, often huge doorstopper-sized ones, purely because it was a passion of mine. The result? I became a hell of a lot more well-read, and I got a hell of a lot of interest from women. Part of that is because it’s interesting, but most of it is for the same reason all of the other points listed are attractive:
It’s because improving yourself and investing in your life is incredibly attractive to women.
I’ve asked out hundreds of women. But I don’t, as far as I can remember, ever recall being asked out. Maybe once or twice at most.
It just doesn’t happen.
So if you’re planning on hanging around with her, waiting for the right moment where she gives you ‘the signal’ or where she expresses her undying love for you – don’t count on it.
It’s not going to happen.
What’s going to happen is that she’s either going to get creeped out by your dishonest behavior, or she’s going to grow unattracted to you because you don’t have the balls to make a move.
That leaves you with one option:
Make a move.
When it came to my first girlfriend, despite our mutual chemistry and attraction, if I hadn’t made a move, NOTHING would have ever happened. I would never have never experienced that relationship let alone realized she felt the way she did about me.
This wasn’t just the case for my first girlfriend, but the case for every other girlfriend since, including my current one.
The only way to get a girlfriend is to ask a girl out. You’ll go on a date, and after you’ve been on a few of those, you might end up being boyfriend and girlfriend.
But the first step is always making a move. This requires you to make yourself vulnerable, expose yourself to rejection and put your ego on the line. Your pride might get hurt. You might get rejected.
But this is just the way it is for everyone.
If you’re wondering what you say, try not to overcomplicate it more than ‘let’s get a drink some time’, or, if you’re friends, tell her you’re into her. There’s no ideal time to do it, and sometimes, it’s messy and awkward.
But you’ll never end up in the friend zone if you do it.
The final basic is that you don’t want to chase.
Most guys who are stricken by a bad case of desperation chase women so much that they end up chasing them away. And it comes from a desire for validation and overvaluing one girl.
This is lame behavior. If you ask a girl out and she isn’t interested. Move on. At most, give it 3 attempts. Any more and you’re just being weird. If you tell a girl who’s your friend that you like her and she isn’t interested you need to decide whether you want to be friends or whether you want to move on.
Either way, the rule is the same. Express interest, if it’s isn’t reciprocated, move on. Most times that’ll be that, and you’ll end up meeting girls who are keen on you. Other times, she’ll reflect and change her mind. In that case, she’ll get back in touch.
(This is how I ended up in my current relationship).
This is both respectful to her, but most of all, it’s respectful to yourself. After all, why would you want to chase a girl who wasn’t interested in you?
Check out my article this time next week for the next step of getting a girlfriend:
See you then.
About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.