What Traits Make A Guy Good At Dating?
If I was to go back in time and give myself dating advice, here’s what I’d say:
There isn’t a huge amount you need to have a great dating life. You don’t have to become some incredible new version of yourself, you just have to make a few precise tweaks that will alter the way you interact with women.
But these tweaks aren’t external, they’re all related to traits that are going on inside you.
Take a look:
This is one of the less understood traits in dating.
When guys think about the traits they need to succeed in dating, they almost immediately list a set of unattainable standards. Something to the effect of:
Male model levels of muscle mass, body fat, and facial definition. A seven-figure income combined with some level of fame. And an inhuman ability to resist fear.
In short, they think they need to become Bruce Wayne. A superhero. An impossible guy made up to entertain the fantasies of children.
In reality, to succeed in dating, guys need to be about one rung above average joe.
They really don’t need to be anything special.
Women aren’t as picky as men claim they are. The claim that they are is a defense mechanism that makes it easy for guys to excuse themselves from not making a move.
Most women aren’t hit on by guys who take care of themselves, respect themselves, and have a healthy level of self-awareness, emotional honesty and confidence.
This means that no matter how physically attractive some of the men they meet might be, most women are invariably disappointed by the vast majority of their dating lives.
What does this mean for you?
It means if you are even slightly about average in those traits… You will stick out like a sore thumb in a very good way.
To meet and date women you have to make a move. It is impossible not to. Even if it’s on Tinder, through social media, or a friend… At some point, you have to ask her out.
Even if you’re not approaching on the street or a bar, you’re always going to have to make your intentions known.
If you don’t, she’ll never know you like her. And if she doesn’t know that, nothing will happen.
This is where many guys go wrong. They believe that they have to be super sexually confident with James Bond levels of swagger. So they become paralyzed, waiting for the perfect moment to reveal their feelings to her, and she’ll be swept off her feet… and so on.
But this just stops them from taking action.
They don’t need to be like that. They just need to tell her they like her.
It’s not about BEING anything. It’s about asserting your sexual interest. It’s about making a move.
It’s about DOING something.
One of the weirder things I’ve realized is that being able to cry actually makes you better at dating.
Yeah, I know, not what you expected.
Guys never cry, right? They bottle it up and get on with it?
Well, yeah… And that’s why most guys are an emotional wreck. Uptight, stressed, insecure, needy, jealous, immature. And completely unaware of it.
This comes out in the form of defense mechanisms, where to deal with their repressed, uncomfortable emotions and inability to deal with feelings of fear, they engage in bizarre behaviors that protect or deflect from their real issues. They intellectualize, act out, blame others, and so on.
And it all sucks. And it all reinforces their emotional issues.
To have a great dating life you have to be able to emotionally connect with the woman you’re dating. This emotional connection will rapidly amplify the level of attraction and arousal you feel for each other.
Two people that like each other, are attracted to each other, and feel safe around each other invariably spend a lot of time humping each other’s brains out.
If you can’t connect with your emotions, you’ll always be hamstrung in this department. This isn’t just going to affect your sex and dating life, but it’ll also make you unhappy. It’s a terrible way to live.
The more you get in touch with yourself, take care of yourself, and allow yourself to feel your emotions, the more you’ll enjoy your life.
The more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you’ll be. You’ll also, again, stick out like a sore thumb as a great, emotionally honest guy.
This trait, although attractive, is entirely for your benefit. It has little to do with her.
Self-efficacy is your belief in your ability to “execute courses of action required to deal with prospective situations.”
This applies in all areas of life and refers to your ability to believe in your ability to do the things you need to.
This can be believing you’ll have the discipline to do something challenging. Believing you can train, practice and take on the challenge of a competition. Or, in the case of dating, believing you can struggle through the ups and downs to change your dating life for the better.
The reason this is attractive is that it:
The reason this is good for your life is it makes you expand your comfort zone, expend sufficient effort to achieve what you want, and more likely achieve a successful result. If you have low self-efficacy, you’re more likely to quit early and fail.
This is something that can be consciously built and practiced. Push yourself in small ways to attempt things you don’t know you can achieve.
Especially if it’s dating.
Empathy is the single most powerful force in human relationships. I don’t care if you’re the most confident, charming, funny, cool guy in the world. If you don’t have empathy, you’ll just end up being a weird self-serving psycho.
Which isn’t the best result.
Empathy makes others feel cared for and increases your feelings of support and connection with others. This is an incredible way to increase your happiness and the happiness of others.
In dating, it’s huge. It’s all well and good being attractive, but if a woman isn’t comfortable around you then you’re shit out of luck.
Genuine empathy and connection develop comfort faster than anything else. And it starts by putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
In this case, hers.
A guy who takes care of himself is attractive and impressive to everyone. Not only is a guy like this rare, but it speaks to a level of self-respect that few people have.
He cares about himself and the quality of his life enough to groom himself, dress well, eat well, exercise, spend time with his family, keep his room clean, stay on top of his finances — in short, he does what he needs to keep his life in order.
Very few people do this well. I certainly don’t. There are things every day that I miss. Sometimes I’ll dress like crap, forget to groom myself or overspend and end up in the red next month. Often, it’s because I’m not dealing with stress, or just feel a bit crappy about myself.
But this is fine. As I said, you don’t have to be Batman. You just have to be slightly above average. Most of the time, I am. And it’s so easy anyone can do it.
It’s one of those simple things you see in dating advice all the time. Guys are trying to find X, Y, and Z techniques to get girls, but in reality, all they need is a job and a shower.
When you start taking care of yourself, people, especially women, will notice.
So start there.
It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have between your legs. In dating, you are going to fail a lot.
And I mean, A LOT.
This will make you want to quit. And sometimes, you’ll give in to this urge and give up for extended periods, only to get mad at yourself and start all over again.
This creates a strange cycle of self-improvement and stagnation that repeats over and over again. And you never really get anywhere.
To counter this you need thick skin. You need to develop a level of comfort with failure that doesn’t see you taking every rejection personally.
Sure, they suck, but its not the end of the world. And, truth be told, you never really know what her reasons were.
Thick skin will keep you in the game long enough to see the improvements you need. When in doubt, always ask yourself if it is this element that’s missing.
Lastly, there’s self-validation.
If you can’t validate yourself internally, you’ll always seek it from other people. From that will follow neediness, putting women on a pedestal, and everything else that will tank your dating life.
Luckily, if you build all the traits above, self-validation will show up on its own.
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About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.