How Soon Can A Conversation Turn Sexual?
How soon can a conversation turn sexual?
If there was one thing I struggled with most when I was starting out, it was this.
I got over my approach anxiety, I started getting dates, I would always make them laugh, and would (eventually) start physically escalating, but I rarely ever turned a conversation sexual as early as I could have.
Instead, I played it safe.
I thought, or rather, felt, that some kind of committee meeting had been called and it was decided there were rules about when you could start sexualizing a conversation.
It was pretty much the same way I felt about physically escalating.
You had to wait a certain amount of time, she had to act a certain way, and then, and only then, would you get the green light.
Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
What I learned was that ‘how soon can a conversation turn sexual’ wasn’t so much a question of ‘when’, as it was ‘why not right now?’
Before we get to the exact point at which you should turn a conversation sexual, it’s important to wrap your head around what exactly turning a conversation sexual is.
Let’s start with the big one: it’s not about jumping right in and talking about sex.
I know dozens of people who can talk about sex til the cows come home, but rarely are they any good at turning a conversation sexual.
Turning a conversation sexual is this: saying something that changes the conversation from something innocent and friendly into what is clearly sexual intent from you.
Turning a conversation sexual isn’t about a topic, it’s about a vibe. A vibe that communicates: I want to have sex with you.
The easiest way to understand what this entails is to imagine any question or statement that communicates your sexual interest.
‘Where did you grow up?’ = no sexual interest communicated.
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ = mildly communicated sexual interest.
‘I like that dress.’ = mildly communicated sexual interest.
‘You’re cute’ / ‘You’re cute when you do X’ = clearly communicated sexual interest.
Can you see why talking about sex doesn’t cut it? I could talk about that with anyone – it wouldn’t be the same as calling them cute.
So if turning a conversation sexual is just communicating your sexual interest, how soon can you do this?
The answer is: whenever you want. But ideally, as soon as you want to.
I used to screw this up all the time, and in reality, it couldn’t be simpler. If you think she’s cute, tell her.
You want to do it as soon as possible for two reasons:
I cannot stress that last point enough.
It SCREENS for women who are sexually interested in you. Do you have any idea how much time this saves you?
Not every woman you’re attracted to is going to feel the same way. It pays to find out early rather than spend ages constantly wondering.
Another reason is this… and this is a big one:
Countless women I know have ended up with guys who aren’t traditionally their type. In many cases, I was one of them.
(Who would’ve thought being pale meant you weren’t someone’s type?)
When they explained why they went with the guy (or me) the answer almost always was: ‘I didn’t know I was into him until he started hitting on me. I hadn’t thought about him that way.’
Men and women are similar in almost every way, but when it comes to attraction, we’re fundamentally different.
Men are, would you believe it, really shallow. We see a big pair of boobs and a long set of legs and we’re sold.
Women, on the other hand, can feel relatively mild about our appearance but become attracted to us because of thousands of other traits. Often ones were not even conscious of.
Chief among these is how she feels around us.
If you show clear, honest, desire for someone – that isn’t in an ashamed, creepy, or withheld in any way – then that’s flattering. It’s a turn on.
It feels good.
When it comes to turning a conversation sexual, there are only two things you need to consider and then calibrate yourself for:
It’s easy to calibrate yourself to the former, more difficult to calibrate yourself to the latter.
If you’re attracted to her, then you should be expressing this. After all, other than sexual repression/shame/fear of rejection, why wouldn’t you?
There’s no good reason not to.
The sooner you start expressing yourself (albeit in small steps) the more you’ll get a handle on whatever was holding you back.
When it comes to what she’s feeling, this is where you need to pay attention.
Every woman has a different sexuality. Some are open, comfortable, and direct, others are shy, slow burn, and not as confident.
You don’t want to approach both of these the same way. You need to empathize with the person you’re speaking to rather than try a one-size-fits-all approach.
Things that are going to help you are the non-verbal and situational elements.
For example, if you’re both sharing heavy eye contact and touching, and you’re in a nightclub – it’s probably safe to assume it’s full steam ahead on aggressively sexualizing the conversation.
However if you’re in a library and it’s just mild eye contact, maybe take it a little slower.
But in truth, there’s no way to 100% be sure. The best way to be sure is to tell her you think she’s cute, and judge it based off her reaction.
If you genuinely think this then there is nothing wrong with saying this.
I give you permission to say it.
You don’t need to be confident, you just need to start trying this. The more you get used to doing it, the more congruent it’ll be.
If you’ve sorted your own life out – that is, you’ve got a job, your own place (rented or owned), you have a decent social life, and you take care of your appearance – then you can turn a conversation sexual whenever you want.
You’re already attractive! Start acting on it. Immediately. You’re the kind of guy women want to be hit on by.
If you haven’t locked down these fundamentals yet, then do so. It’ll just make women far more receptive to you.
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About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.