The 6 Ways To Defeat Insecurity With Women
Insecurity sucks. It makes you act like a freak, run away from things you don’t want to, and generally makes your life worse than it needs to be. Especially with women.
On the upside: we all have insecurities about the opposite sex (yes, even women feel this way). On the downside: getting over insecurities about the opposite sex isn’t easy.
But like your own special Fairy Godmother, I’m here to wave my wand and make it as easy for you as possible. Let’s get started:
Your insecurity with women doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s deeply connected to your social anxiety.
The more you feel insecure within basic social interactions, the more you’ll feel insecure around women. However, with women, the same insecurity is even more intensified by the fact you’re probably feeling sexually insecure on top of it.
And yeah, I know that sounds bad, but it’s not the end of the world.
The reason I wanted to make this point is that I wanted to lay out for you the basic process to confronting your insecurity. The process is: confront your social insecurity then confront your sexual insecurity.
Your sort one out, then you sort out the other.
When you feel social insecurity, your ability to talk to or even meet women is severely reduced. And as a result, you’ll probably think there is something wrong with you. In reality, you’ve just developed unhelpful habits. The same thing goes for sexual insecurity, as if you can’t even talk to women, you’re probably going to be beating yourself up about it pretty badly.
So here’s what you need to do:
You confront social insecurity the same way you’d confront social anxiety. That is by taking actions that challenge those same insecurities and anxieties and taking them consistently.
If you continually don’t socialize and spend most of your time alone, then you’re not doing yourself any favors here. You have to get out into the world and start socializing otherwise you’re going to find everything a lot harder, if not impossible.
Here’s how I usually recommend guys go about this:
1) Start small. Speak to cashiers at stores when you’re buying things. Keep it simple – I.e. Ask them how their day is going. Once you’ve done that a few times start speaking to people you work with more. Speak to the ones you don’t know. This will feel weird at first, but it’ll get your basic social muscles working.
2) You want to be seeing a friend at least once per week. Even if it’s just on Skype. Get yourself interacting with other people more, especially the ones you enjoy.
3) Find something you’ve always wanted to learn and attend the social version of it. This could be anything, but make sure it involves other people.
That’s it. Now I know these might seem simple, but think about this: If you continually keep these up, would you feel as socially insecure as you do now?
Your insecurity stems from unhelpful beliefs you’ve made about yourself. You might believe that you’re unlikable, unloveable, unattractive, boring, or stupid. And as a result of these beliefs you not only feel insecure around women, but you take self-limiting actions as a result.
You might never speak up in conversation. You might never express your feelings. You might never take care of your looks. You might never take the risk to try and say something funny. Or you might never try reading or learning something new.
And it’s not that you don’t want to do any of these things. It’s that you don’t believe they’ll work for you.
But in reality, you have no idea, and if you’re really honest with yourself, you’re attached to them because they’re comfortable and safe.
If you believe you can’t change, then you don’t have to put in the hard work in order to change. If you believe you can’t change, then you’ll never risk failure or rejection or anything of the potential consequences along the road to change.
Your beliefs are “protecting” you from ever growing. Well, I say protecting, but I really mean holding you back.
You need to sit down and figure out what your beliefs are. Write them down, and start taking contrary actions today. Start speaking up. Start expressing your feelings. Start taking care of your looks. Whatever those actions are – do them.
Because that’s how you’ll find out just how wrong those beliefs were.
Just as your beliefs about yourself hold you back, your assumptions about others do as well. Especially with women.
Everyone has assumptions about the opposite sex. This stems not just from our parents, but also from our social lives, experiences, and wider culture as a whole. Brazilian people, for instance, have different sexual attitudes than Saudi Arabians. Just as the French have different sexual attitudes than the British or the Americans.
If I go on a date with an English girl, for example, it’s a high chance she considers kissing on the first date normal. A girl from rural Indonesia, however, might think that’s more of a seventh date thing. Obviously, every person is different, but the culture and attitudes of our upbringing have a massive effect on how we feel around the opposite sex.
So what does this mean for you?
In practical terms, this means you have to question the assumptions you’ve made about women, and question just how grounded in reality they are. Are they based on your experiences? Or are they based on cultural narratives? Or your parent’s issues?
Do you believe you can never express interest in a woman directly? (You can).
Do you believe you can never tell a woman you’re kissing that you want to have sex with her? (You can).
Do you believe women even want to have sex as much as men do? Do you believe they even think about it and/or enjoy it? (They do).
It’s important to question these beliefs because the more you come to understand them, the more you can push yourself in the direction you need to grow – by taking the actions that directly contradict your unhelpful assumptions.
If you’ve done everything so far, then you’re doing well. You have some basic social habits down, and you’ve challenged the foundation of your insecurities.
This will not only have helped you gain more awareness and control of your insecurity, but it will also have made the next step a lot easier. That being the key habit you need to focus on building. And it’s directly related to sexual insecurity.
Here’s what you need to do:
You need to build the habit of looking at women in the eye when you speak to them. Any guy who struggles with insecurity around women can’t do this. They’ll look at the floor, the ceiling, to the side – anywhere but her eyes.
This is because they’re afraid she’ll figure out that he finds her attractive. And because his unhelpful beliefs tell him that’s not okay, he tries to hide this from her.
Well, first off, she already knows. You can’t hide that stuff from women so don’t try. Second, you’re here to get over your insecurity with women so you’re not going to try and hide it.
Holding eye contact with women (or anyone) will feel weird at first if you’re not used to it. Why wouldn’t it? It feels somewhat confrontational or intimidating. So if you feel weird, that’s normal. But persist.
Start by holding eye contact with people you know. Try and hold it for 80% of the time, then look away for 20% of it.
Once you’ve become comfortable with this, move on to women. This isn’t something you’re going to be able to do overnight, but eventually, it will fall into place.
I don’t know why it is, but if you leave a guy to his own devices and simply help him fix his ability to hold eye contact, he seems to start learning how to confront his insecurities around women on his own.
Sure, I could point you in the right direction and say:
Shut up and ask her out.
Shut up and tell her she’s cute.
Shut up and kiss her.
But ask yourself this, if you’d built comfort talking to women and not hiding your sexual interest through your eyes, do you think those things wouldn’t come to you naturally?
I think they would. I think your instincts would tell you what you need to do.
So before we wrap up, you need to remember to be consistent. The more you press on in the face of your insecurities, the more you will challenge them, and naturally get the experience you need to get. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it will happen if you put the effort in and remain consistent.
If you’re ever in doubt, ask yourself that. Am I being consistent?
You aren’t perfect. Nobody is. I’m certainly not. But beating yourself up all the time about your failings isn’t exactly helpful and it’s going to make you quit.
When you set out to confront insecurity of any kind, you’re taking on a pretty hard job and a pretty steep uphill climb. And insecurity with women in no exception. So if all you do is beat yourself up, you’re probably going to quit.
And that’s not good.
Remember to take pride in the fact your challenging yourself, and sure, seek to amend your faults but also try to pay attention to what you’re doing right. And be grateful for the fact you’re even trying in the first place.
Because unlike most people, you’re not letting insecurity get the better of you.
About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.