How To Be Smooth
Burn this into your mind: just as a happy guy doesn’t feel the need to be happy. A smooth guy doesn’t feel the need to be smooth.
The typical perception of being smooth is that it’s about being effortlessly in control and at ease with what you’re doing. Which in the case of dating typically means expressing sexuality and being charismatic.
If you can’t do either of those things effortlessly and with control, you aren’t smooth.
Well… it’s not that simple.
For starters, being smooth is born out of a few key elements:
The better your conversations are, the more smooth you will appear. This can basically be boiled down to three areas to focus on:
Small talk / Chitchat
Being able to navigate small talk and have shallow but easy conversations is a huge skill. It makes the initial 5-10 minutes of a conversation easier and prevents it from failing to launch.
Being able to connect with people emotionally is a huge skill that takes average conversations and elevates them to a much higher level. This is what allows people to feel comfortable around you because you’ve connected with them on the level that matters.
If you aren’t having fun you may as well be in a business meeting. Yes, you can be ‘smooth’ without it, but when it comes to women I would recommend you try and be playful
The reason this appears smooth is that the key elements of a decent conversation are in place. When this happens the conversation fires on all cylinders and becomes automatic.
A ‘smooth’ guy can navigate the sexual tension between a woman he’s attracted to and himself. He’s okay expressing his desire, and he’s okay acting on it.
He isn’t the kind of guy who spends an entire date hoping he can kiss her, he’s the kind of guy who kisses her 20 minutes into it.
By far the most important of the three. If you want your interactions with women to be smooth and effortless, then it pays to not be too worried about whether they’ll reject you. This stops you from putting women on a pedestal, which makes you calmer.
You have to go through hundreds of rejections to develop this kind of thick skin, but it pays off.
Here’s how these come together to make a smooth interaction. Note how they relate to how people commonly perceive someone being smooth:
Basic conversation skills make the conversation seem easy. (That’s control and effortlessness). Escalating bridges the sexual anxiety that is present between the two of you (That’s control and effortless again). Comfort with rejection allows you to take the risks necessary to steer an interaction because you aren’t afraid she’ll reject you. (That’s control again).
See how these come together to create an image of a guy who’s smooth? A guy who’s effortlessly in control?
Well, aside from the fact you actually are. All of this happens for a simple reason:
You aren’t TRYING to be smooth. Because you don’t feel you need to be.
As I said at the start: just as a happy guy doesn’t feel the need to be happy. A smooth guy doesn’t feel the need to be smooth.
Being smooth is an outcome.
There’s a little secret in debating that says the less you’re in possession of the facts, the more you’re likely to fall prey to your emotions, get angry, and start personally attacking your opponent.
In dating, it’s similar.
When you lack confidence in your conversation skills, your ability to escalate, and your ability to weather rejection you are more likely to fall prey to your emotions, get nervous, and start trying to impress her by pretending to be smooth.
Needless to say, this is neither smooth nor attractive, not the right way to go about it.
Just as you should prepare for debate by getting your facts straight, it pays to get your key elements straight first.
Being smooth is a random part of any interaction that happens. It is almost completely out of your control. It will happen, but not all the time, and it happens less the more you try to force it.
When it happens, women will assume you’re smooth all the time, other guys will assume you’re smooth all the time, and you might even be tempted to believe the hype. By and large, it’s just random and has a lot to do with things outside of your control.
Let’s say you’re a smooth guy like Leonardo DiCaprio. Now let’s say I throw you in a situation where there’s a girl you have ZERO chemistry with.
Is the interaction likely to be smooth?
Likewise, imagine if I put you in a situation where you where there was a girl you had tons of chemistry with, but she was in a bad mood, felt like she was fat, and didn’t want to speak to anyone?
Is the interaction likely to be smooth?
The lesson here is that you need to accept the elements that are outside of your control. Neither of those things has anything to do with you and in fact letting them slide is the smooth thing to do.
A guy who felt a desperate need to be ‘effortlessly in control’ of those situations would probably just make them worse. And he sure as shit wouldn’t be smooth.
To finish, I’m going to give you some pointers on how to practice being smooth in your day to day life.
Like getting over an addiction, awareness is the first step fellas. I want you to point out all the ways in which you fake your behavior, or try to impress women, especially when it comes to being some smooth guy.
For some of you, this will literally be a performance you put on. Others will be more subtle examples like repressing their personality so as to not rock the boat (this, amongst other reasons, is actually an effort to be smooth for a lot of guys).
Be brutally honest here.
Your motivations for trying to be smooth are often more insidious and harmful than you’d realize.
You might try to be smooth because you think she would never actually like meeting the real you. Maybe you’re too nerdy, or too goofy, or too awkward in conversation. (Spoiler: girls are dorks as well and find your dorkiness endearing PROVIDED YOU OWN IT).
You might try to be in control at all times because you’re a sexist with an inferiority complex who fears women having any kind of superiority over him. (Spoiler: girls are going to have superiority over you at times, sometimes multiple times in the same conversation. Not only does this not matter, but accepting it makes the conversation flow easier and makes you more accessible. This doesn’t mean you back down, it just means you don’t resist it for ‘control’s’ sake).
You might try to appear effortless because you’re insecure about your masculinity, and believe appearing effortless makes you appear stronger and more manly to women. (Spoiler: it doesn’t. It makes you come off as an insecure try hard).
When you start connecting your actions to their real motivations, you help yourself take the first step towards developing real smoothness.
Remember: you can’t be smooth by trying to be smooth. So before we even start putting the key elements in place, you have to fix what’s not working.
You need to start building the habit of allowing yourself to be imperfect, in whatever way it is that you deem necessary to “smooth over.”
If it’s not being the real you – express it. If it’s not being in control all the time – relinquish it. If it’s not being masculine – allow it.
This will feel uncomfortable and awkward at first, but what you’re really doing is telling yourself that you’re fundamentally okay as you are, and you don’t need to gloss it over.
This also happens to be extremely likable, controlled, and masculine. Go figure.
Once you’ve started eroding your bad habits, it’s time to start practicing the ones that are actually going to result in genuine smoothness.
Each of these requires an article of their own, and I’ve attached links, but you want to make sure that you’re only attempting these once you’ve started making changes with your bad habits.
If you don’t, you’ll only end up reinforcing your performance. If you do, you’ll start finding out you have the potential to be a hell of a lot more smooth than you ever thought you could.
Not that you’ll care about that anymore.
About John Matich John is a writer from the UK who splits his time between travelling the world and trying to find unconventional solutions to dating and personal development. You can find more from him at www.lifeuncivilized.com.