How To Overcome Shyness
Overcoming shyness isn’t simple, but it’s possible.
The first step is to realise shyness is a choice. The second is to see it’s a choice that’s ruining your life.
In short, it’s stopping you live a truly memorable life.
It’s possible to turn this around. Some people struggle to admit this. After all, it’s more comfortable to believe you were ‘born this way’. No-one wants to feel like their undesirable social life is ‘their fault’.
Still, the fact your shyness is controllable should feel inspiring.
This means you can create the same social life as all the well-connected playboys in your city.
It’s possible to become that popular guy all the hot women rush towards at the party.
Below, we explore the steps required to transform from shy boy to social butterfly.
The term ‘natural introvert’ is thrown around a lot. But is introversion really natural?
Humans are naturally social creatures. Babies aren’t shy about screaming for attention. Toddlers don’t worry about sharing their stupid opinions, nor what other people think about their behaviour.
Yet, at some point, this social freedom is shamed out of us.
Maybe our parents scorned for us speaking out of turn. Perhaps school bullies convinced us we weren’t as cool as we believed.
At some point, we were probably told to shut up and fit in.
Most ‘natural extroverts’ grew up being praised for whatever they did. The rest of us weren’t that lucky.
That doesn’t mean we can’t fix it.
The steps for doing so are listed below…
However, we must first admit our shyness is fixable, and that ‘natural introverts’ are a myth.
There’s no quick fix to improving your social skills.
It’s a long road. There’ll be embarrassment. There’ll be ego damage. There’ll be times you want to give up and stay in your parents’ basement playing League of Legends.
In many ways, it’s no different to a fat dude getting a six-pack. Some would argue it’s more painful.
So, what are the best motivational techniques to help you stick with a long-term transformation?
One powerful exercise involves listing all the ways a problem is ruining your life.
If you suffer from shyness, this list might include:
You’re aiming to create emotional leverage, to the point where the potential pain of changing is outweighed by the actual pain of staying the same.
If you’re suffering from any of the symptoms listed above, be aware that this situation won’t ever change. Not until you do.
The fear of staying sad, scared and lonely forever is enough to spark most people into action.
However, some may be more motivated by the rewards of making a change.
In the case of improving your social skills, these include:
That final bullet provides massive inspiration to most young men. It’s incredibly motivating to learn it’s possible to improve your perceived attractiveness to women. In many cases, women value confidence over looks and money.
By following the steps below, you’ll witness this for yourself.
However, when it comes to actually spotting that person you want to speak to, you’ll still feel the symptoms of shyness.
Your legs will still feel heavy. Your heart rate will still rise. Your head will still flood with fantasies of everything that could go wrong.
The human brain naturally fears the unknown, so these symptoms never fully disappear. However, you can train yourself to act in spite of them.
The key is to take consistent action.
Just as a gym newbie begins with the baby weights, you should start small with your social interactions.
Ask a stranger for directions. Make smalltalk about the weather. Maybe offer them a compliment. Build social momentum by speaking with several people in a short amount of time. Once you’re comfortable speaking with random strangers, try it with a beautiful woman. Push each interaction as far as your willpower will let you.
If you’re new to this, it may exhaust you. You’re essentially training your willpower the same way you would any muscle. Just as a muscle grows when it’s consistently pushed to its limits, you’ll soon find yourself feeling more comfortable in increasingly daunting social situations.
It’s common for formerly shy guys to reach a stage where they can make smalltalk with most people, but not have the bravery to show their true unfiltered personality. This includes demonstrating sexual intent with women they’re attracted to. Overcoming this hurdle is likely to be part of your transformation too.
The idea of flirting with a beautiful woman can be overwhelming, especially if you’re worried about even speaking to them.
However, it’s simple to build yourself up to this point using social momentum.
Perhaps you start your night making smalltalk with random dudes. Then with women. Next, throw in the occasional flirty comment. Then, physical flirting. With each step, you’re showing your brain that nothing bad will happen. Notice how you feel more free, the more people you speak to.
Some people will deny you at each step. That doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re not meant to connect with everyone, so don’t feel bad if anyone rejects your advances. Usually, that’s on them, not you. Jump into each interaction offering positive energy, without needing any in return.
With this positive attitude and a willingness to speak to anyone, you’ll find plenty of people who adore you at each step. This positivity and non-neediness is rare and infectious. Men and women want to be around it.
Add in some shameless flirting, and you’ll find plenty of hotties to date or pull home that night.
Most people will use drugs or alcohol to lose their inhibitions in social situations.
Of course, this option is available to you, although it won’t do a thing to improve your confidence when sober.
If you’re happy only being able to display charisma when you’re drunk, use alcohol to assist you with social interactions. If you want to build core confidence that can be accessed in all situations, stay sober while socialising.
Transforming from an anxious outcast to an extroverted superhero is no mean feat. Most likely, you’ll be undoing years of unhelpful social conditioning. So, don’t be surprised if your progress is slow.
There will be many failures. Approaching a beautiful women will sometimes feel as impossible as the final rep on the bench press. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just as with the gym, the key is to push yourself as often as possible.
The results are worth the effort.
It’s amazing how many doors open when you can comfortably start and lead conversations with new people. It’ll improve your career prospects, social opportunities and romantic relationships.
Most importantly, it’ll improve the way you feel about yourself. No longer will you feel trapped with a personality you never really wanted.
For more ideas on starting your journey to overcoming shyness, download my free e-book How To Conquer Social Anxiety
About Joe Elvin Joe Elvin travels the world working remotely as a lifestyle writer and confidence coach. Throughout 2017, he filmed his entire dating life as part of a national television documentary in the UK. His new book 'The Camera Never Lies' details the brutal truths about dating and relationships learned from this experience. You can learn more about the book and download the first chapter for free by clicking here >>