I Am An Incel. What Can I Do?
Incels are the butt of jokes for a lot of people. They are pitied by some, feared by others.
Its full meaning – ‘involuntarily celibate’ – makes it clear that there are no positive qualities to being one.
Sadly, many incels believe they were dealt a bad hand and that it’s impossible to change.
This guide exists to prove that this isn’t the case. The ability to be attractive to women is something men have a lot of control over.
Below, we explore how incels rose into mainstream consciousness, the ease in which men could slip into this way of being, and what you can do to drag yourself out of it.
The term ‘incel’ was coined by a lesbian woman, who started a website for lonely people struggling to find intimacy in the early nineties.
Back then, there was no menace behind the term. However, it has since taken on a darker meaning.
‘Incel’ was adopted by a community of men who were not only ‘involuntarily celibate’, but also blamed women for this state of affairs.
Several online ‘incel’ forums were created, where men would share their anger at women for rejecting them and their hatred for the ‘Chad’ men they chose instead.
The phrase was catapulted into mainstream awareness, after Elliot Rodger killed six people then committed suicide during a shooting rampage in Isla Vista in 2014. Before doing so, he released a 141-page manifesto, which blamed women for not sleeping with him. He was revered within the incel community following the act. Alek Minassian published a Facebook post praising Rodger in 2018, shortly before driving a van into a crowd of people in Toronto, killing 10.
These incidents served to cement ‘incels’ as a hate group in society’s minds, rather than just a term for people who can’t get laid.
Similar online communities which embrace incel ideologies, such as Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW), have also emerged. The parts of the internet where these groups congregate have been dubbed ‘The Manosphere’.
Society sees a man’s ability to attract women as an indicator of his masculinity and success in life.
If a man is unable to attract women – perhaps because he is socially awkward, anxious or lacking self-esteem – this can be a source of great embarrassment.
It can be very difficult for men to admit their flaws – especially for something as embarrassing as being involuntarily celibate – so it’s common to look for external factors to blame instead. His looks, women’s attitudes, society at large etc.
Being a blameless victim of external circumstances can be more comforting than accepting responsibility for their celibacy. This fact – along with the sense of brotherhood that lonely men are lacking – explains why the incel community may appeal in spite of its dark nature.
Although some incels may not admit it, learning how to attract women would be a healthier long-term alternative to accepting inceldom. After all, it’s human nature to crave sex and romantic companionship.
It’s safe to say that participating in a community that hates women will do little to attract a loving partner into your life.
Even if you hide this pastime from women, it’s common that they’ll be able to sense the traits of inceldom – such as anger, envy, self-pity, resentment and desperation – in your behaviour.
These feelings are difficult to hide…
Even if you’re suffering from traditional inceldom – a lack of intimacy without the hatred and bitterness towards the fairer sex – it’s normal to begin adopting habits that make women run for the hills.
Habits such as:
The less women you have on the scene, the more likely you’ll place way too much value on those who do show a bit of interest. There are also increased odds of feeling overwhelmingly heartbroken – or angry and resentful if you identify with the new ‘incel’ ideologies – when it doesn’t work out.
It’s essentially a downward spiral. The more involuntary celibacy you suffer, the more likely you’ll experience emotions that further encourages it.
The first step is realise that hating an entire gender is extremely unhealthy and feeling sorry for yourself is completely unhelpful.
Taking part in incel forums or belittling women for their taste in men may feel comforting in the short-term, but it does nothing for your long-term happiness.
You need to accept it’s possible to change yourself into an attractive man – and that you want to do so.
Many incels are stuck in the belief that women will only date good-looking or rich men. This helps them rationalise their failures and relieve themselves of blame.
The truth is: plenty of men attract women without money or traditional good looks. This is because women place far more importance on qualities like ambition, assertiveness, boldness, charisma, confidence, groundedness, a sense of humour, leadership skills, self-esteem, positivity and other masculine traits.
In order to accept this, you’ll have to admit that you’re lacking in some of these areas…
The good news is that it’s possible to improve on all the traits listed above.
Self-esteem is a great place to start. After all, if you don’t believe you’re a catch, why should she? These five exercises will prove really helpful.
Of course, looks and money can be maximised too. Get to the gym. Improve your fashion. Make a plan to improve your career. These actions should all naturally improve your self-esteem.
Most importantly of all, begin building a life that you enjoy, regardless of whether there are women in it. Make cool friends. Have fun hobbies. Set goals to work towards. Try new adventures. This is perhaps the best self-esteem hack of all and will serve towards creating a life that women want to be a part of.
If you suffer from approach anxiety, you might need to begin with baby steps. Perhaps you start making smalltalk with women you meet throughout the day, or having short conversations in bars or at events.
Sometimes, they won’t want to talk for as long as you wanted. Maybe they won’t acknowledge you at all. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re a loser or that all women are evil. Learn to see every conversation as a win, no matter how it goes. This list of mindset shifts will help.
TSB Magazine is packed with advice for men who want to learn to push their interactions with women further. As you meet more women, make an effort to introduce flirting, asking for her contact details, organising dates, pulling her to your place etc. The more comfortable you get reaching each stage, the closer you’ll be to losing your celibacy.
The truth about getting better with women is: it hurts your ego. Sometimes they’ll ignore you. Sometimes they’ll reject or insult you.
While it’s easy to blame and hate women for this, you can instead choose to learn from these interactions, discover what you could have done better and ultimately become a master seducer.
This process requires patience, mental strength, huge self-esteem, the ability to stop caring so much about other people’s opinions. It’s difficult – and some guys aren’t ready for the journey.
It’s easier to not put yourself through this fire and instead choose inceldom. After all, we’re a species that genuinely wants to conserve energy and protect ourselves from criticism. That’s what incels are doing by blaming women instead of attempting to improve themselves…
Nevertheless, it’s difficult to argue against life being much better with sex, love and companionship in it.
If you weren’t born a ‘Chad’, you might have to work harder to make this happen…
So be it…
It’s better than the lonely, miserable and arguably dangerous alternative that has spawned online.
About Joe Elvin Joe Elvin travels the world working remotely as a lifestyle writer and confidence coach. Throughout 2017, he filmed his entire dating life as part of a national television documentary in the UK. His new book 'The Camera Never Lies' details the brutal truths about dating and relationships learned from this experience. You can learn more about the book and download the first chapter for free by clicking here >>