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Why men don’t approach women: eight common excuses debunked

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Fear lies to you and ruins your life

The human brain is incredibly good at keeping us away from perceived danger or embarrassment.

In that make-or-break moment, it’ll trigger the ‘fight or flight’ response and create a number of excuses to talk you out of taking a risk.

You’ve probably experienced this as a beautiful woman walks by you…

Your initial thoughts tell you to speak to her. Then, your brain suddenly floods with reasons not to do it.   

These excuses seem so real in the moment. Yet, they’re usually just assumptions, created by fear.

When you listen to them, you’ll never know what you missed out on. Maybe she would have been your wife or the mother of your children. At the very least, she was an opportunity to practice your seduction skills, better preparing you for the moment your dream woman does stroll past.   

So, how can we train ourselves to ignore the excuses that appear when we spot an attractive woman?

  • Self esteem exercises can help. After all, most excuses stem from the belief that a woman won’t like us. When we believe we’re attractive, it’s easier to picture an approach going well.
  • Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations is also useful. When the brain sees proof that certain situations aren’t dangerous, it tends to calm itself in similar future scenarios.
  • However, a great first step is to list the excuses and decide whether they’re legitimate. If you do this outside of the stressful situation, it’s easier to make a logical decision. Then, when the irrational excuses pop up next, you already know that’s just your fear talking.    

Below is a list of eight common excuses not to approach a woman – and an explanation of why they’re mostly nonsense.

#1 I’m not good-looking enough for her

Maybe you think she’s out of your league physically. Perhaps you’re in your gym gear or haven’t showered yet.  

Your appearance does make certain aspects of seduction easier. Tall handsome jocks with bulging muscles might be given an easier ride in the initial moments of meeting a woman. They may have to do less to win over her friends or convince her to come home with them.

However, that doesn’t mean that less traditionally handsome men can’t get the job done too.

While men may primarily experience attraction visually, women tend to experience it more emotionally. That’s why you can get incredible results with women by learning to stimulate their emotions. Make her laugh. Give her space to chase you. Build sexual tension. Act as if you deserve her. This is what we call ‘good game’.

It should only take a couple of RSD Tyler videos for you to believe this is true. However, if you’re still not convinced, check out our extensive guide on how ugly guys can date beautiful women.  

#2 Approaching women is creepy

Men are terrified of being labelled a ‘creep’ for approaching women in an unorthodox situation.

The rise of the #MeToo movement and the fight against supposed ‘toxic masculinity’ has amplified these fears.

And there are plenty of creepy ways to approach a woman…

Cat-calling or being overly sexual within seconds of meeting her is creepy. Failing to recognize when she is uncomfortable is creepy. Following her down the street for hours before approaching her is creepy. After all, these are sociopathic behaviors and sociopaths are potentially dangerous.

However, there is nothing sociopathic about respectfully complimenting a woman, then attempting to continue the conversation. It’s true that some women might still decide you’re creepy if you do this. They’re entitled to an opinion.

However, you can reduce the odds of being perceived this way by:

  • acknowledging if an approach is unorthodox;
  • acknowledging if she appears uncomfortable;
  • being open with your intentions;
  • smiling and relaxing;
  • being funny and charming;
  • respecting her decision if she doesn’t want to talk to you.     

#3 Other people will hear…

Daygame will do a lot to show you how little people care about strangers’ actions.

It’s perfectly natural to worry about bystanders hearing you put the moves on a woman. Your brain may well picture them pointing and laughing or stepping in to “save” her.     

Still, the truth is: most people will look at you for two seconds, then go back to worrying about their own lives. Those who do eavesdrop will nearly always be too scared to react in any way.

Watch some comfort zone challenges on YouTube for proof that this is true. Even better, try some daygame in a crowded cafe and see what happens…

#4 She looks busy…

We can all be “too busy” when something uninspiring appears, yet when an incredible opportunity pops up, people find a way to make everything else wait. Do you see yourself as an incredible opportunity or an inconvenience?

If it’s the latter, the “she looks busy” excuse might pop up when a woman is walking to a shop, talking with a friend or even staring at her phone. Meanwhile, the obnoxiously confident man might feel entitled to interrupt a phone call.

If it’s possible to wait until she’s less busy, do so. However, if politely interrupting her appears to be a better choice than never seeing her again, give it a shot. She’ll tell you if she’s genuinely in a rush to do an important task.   

#5 She’s not hot enough…

This is often a lie men tell themselves to rationalize approach anxiety, so watch out for it.

Many dating coaches recommend being hyper-social on a night out, instead of silently waiting to do “sniper approaches” on the hotties. With this plan of action, you’ll have more fun, improve your social skills and ease social fears.

Still, if you’re set on only talking to girls, ask yourself “would I swipe right” and make a decision to approach based on that.  

#6 I’m not in a social mood…

Perhaps you see a hottie in the supermarket and you tell yourself you’re not “warmed up” enough to talk to her.

That’s fine, but if your goal is to be able to approach hot women whenever you see them, you need to practice doing it when you’re not in a social mood.

This might be more difficult compared to when you’re “in state”, but it becomes easier the more you try it.   

#7 She probably has a boyfriend…

There are plenty of beautiful women who are single. Find out if she’s one of them. Women with boyfriends still enjoy compliments.

#8 She looks like she’s in a bad mood…

This excuse stems from the assumption you’re going to make her day worse by complimenting her. If you feel this way, it’s likely to be worth working on your self-esteem.

Confident guys realise that “resting bitch face” is a real phenomenon – and also that it’s possible to change people’s moods.  

If she is having a terrible day, you could be the one who cheers her up!

Give it a go anyway. What’s the worst that can happen?

There are plenty of other excuses, but they all tend to fall under the same two themes.

  • This won’t work because…
  • I’m not good enough because…

However, by trying your luck with a woman anyway, you can prove yourself wrong. By doing so, you’ll debunk that excuse forever.  

Even if the excuse proves to be true on that occasion, you’ll still create an opportunity to ease your social fears and improve your seduction skills.

Society appears to dislike the idea of ‘spam approaching’, but it remains true that you’ll get better at flirting with women, the more you try it.

What’s more, the more you do so in a scary situation, the less intimidating it eventually becomes.

There’s little downside to an unsuccessful approach. Mild embarrassment and ego damage is the worst you can expect. This makes you stronger in the long run anyway. Provided you’re respectful, you’ll never worsen a woman’s day.

All in all, by ignoring your excuses, you’re preparing yourself for a better dating life in the future.

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About Joe Elvin Joe Elvin travels the world working remotely as a lifestyle writer and confidence coach. Throughout 2017, he filmed his entire dating life as part of a national television documentary in the UK. His new book 'The Camera Never Lies' details the brutal truths about dating and relationships learned from this experience. You can learn more about the book and download the first chapter for free by clicking here >>

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