Clueless or Casanova
Tell hot women how you really feel about them. Fall a little in love with every woman you speak to. Keep trying even if you’re not getting a good reaction.
That advice is either the secret to being great with women, or the fastest way to creep out every female you encounter. Like so many of life’s ironies, the circular quest to “learn to become better with women” often begins with over-the-top romantic behaviors, and ends with over-the-top romantic behaviors.
There’s a fine line that separates the desperate from the passionate, need from desire, and clueless from Casanova. Just consider your typical romantic comedy moments: holding boom boxes outside girl’s windows, the gushing 11th hour love letters, even interrupting wedding ceremonies.
One reason men are so misguided in modern dating is because we’re given such conflicting messages and advice. And this is especially true in the pickup and seduction community. There’s no resolution to the eternal debate over chump behavior versus champ behavior.
I don’t propose to offer any sort of objectivity to that debate, but I can give my take on it. So, in this 2-part series, I’m going give you what I consider to be the 3 biggest distinctions that separate the Clark Kents from the Supermen…
We’ve all been there—having a “polite” chat with an attractive girl, but getting nowhere. One of the most common questions I get from guys who actually approach and talk to women is this: “How do I know when I should keep trying, or when I should just call it quits?”
This “distinction” is rarely addressed, but one that I’ve found crucial for succeeding with women. Most dating advice proposes you can seduce any women—all that matters is your “game.” In reality, that’s just not the case. (Sorry if that felt like I just told you that the tooth fairy isn’t real.)
Guys who are truly good with women don’t hold onto the narcissistic fantasy that they can “get every girl.” Instead, what these guys quickly determine which girls they actually have a chance of getting.
Some girls who are simply impossible are:
1. Women in happy relationships
2. Women who are engaged/married
3. Women you have absolutely no emotional spark with (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ll encounter these girls in about 1 in 20 attractive women you approach…they’re women who are physically beautiful to you, but you feel no sexual charge around them)
4. Women who you already messed up with (e.g., longtime female friends, girls in your extended social circle who you’ve already struck out with, etc.)
5. Women who only want to use you for validation or use you for some other non-romantic reason (e.g., wants you to buy her drinks, she wants to make another guy jealous, etc.)
6. Women who are legitimately just not attracted to you
Again, I hate to be the one to kill the dream, but these 6 categories of women cannot be seduced. (Even if you COULD seduce some of these women, why would you even want to?) An unappreciated “pickup skill” is the ability to quickly recognize a woman you cannot get and then walk away.
Whenever I meet a woman for the first time, I quickly try to determine if she fits into the category of “impossible.” First, I try to determine it subtly: I look for a wedding ring and watch the way she’s acting. Then, I do it not-so-subtly: I ask her questions and interact with her in a way that quickly lets me determine whether or not I can seduce her.
If a girl brings up her boyfriend, instructs me to buy her a drink in a snotty way, or just doesn’t turn me on (or I don’t turn her on), I either walk away or interact with her devoid of all sexual interest. Keep in mind: I don’t walk away in a “tail-between-my-legs” way. I simply accept the truth of the situation, act like a mature adult who knows he can’t get every girl, and move on.
If, on the other hand, a woman doesn’t fall into any of the 6 categories above, then I will keep trying until one of three things happen:
1. She actually tells me to stop (which, if she does, she’s probably legitimately just not attracted to me anyway)
2. She actually walks from me
3. I seduce her
Any reaction I get—good or bad—won’t deter me. I will persist until one of those three things happen—plain and simple.
So there’s the first of the three distinctions you need to make when interacting with women. If you feel underwhelmed reading this article, reconsider how you’re acting with women. Most guys I work with on live coaching (probably around 90%) don’t understand this distinction so they make one of two fatal mistakes:
1. They prematurely bail on girls they have a legit shot with, or
2. They waste time trying to get girls they absolutely no shot with
I can almost guarantee that you’ve made one of those mistakes in the last 2 weeks. If you want to really improve your success with women, get better at quickly reading the situation. If a woman falls into the “impossible 6 categories” forget about her. You don’t have a chance in hell.
If, however, a woman doesn’t fall into the “impossible 6 categories” you have absolutely no reason to bail unless she tells you to stop or she walks away. It doesn’t matter if you “run out of things to say” or you make so many mistakes, it looks like a PUA Blooper Reel. You stick it out until you achieve success.
The latest flavor-of-the-month in the seduction community is “going direct.” For all you civilians out there, going direct is just another way of saying you’re directly hitting on a woman. And while I certainly don’t have a problem with dudes telling babes the truth about their desire, I have become disappointed with how this “truth” has somehow morphed into “a tactic.
In other words, guys are no longer “going direct” because they mean it, but instead they’re now doing it because they think it “creates attraction.” Whenever I meet a guy who proudly proclaims that he “only does direct,” I know I’m dealing with an amateur. Direct certainly has a time and place, but if you’re “only” doing direct, then you’ve turned honesty into manipulation.
Acting direct with women isn’t some badge of honor or even something to necessarily be proud of—it’s just an extension of your personality. It’d be like if guys started proclaiming “I only have a sense of humor with girls!” While a sense of humor is definitely helpful when attracting women, no one actively says “I’m going ‘sense of humor’ on this chick!” It isn’t a tactic—it’s just who you are.
Sometimes guys who see my infield footage or see me hitting on girls say, “You’re really direct!” And I always reply, “No, I’m really honest.” And I react the same way when girls try to “call me out” on being direct. If a girl acts offended or shocked that I told she looks hot and tell me I’m “rude,” I just look at her like she’s the one with the problem, then say, “It would have been rude of me NOT to say something.”
Going direct isn’t about words—it’s about attitude. That attitude is what Zack and I call “acting shameless.” If you brag about “going direct” on girls, you’re not shameless—you’re clueless. If, however, you stop looking at direct as a tactic and instead as an expression of your personality, then you’re getting closer to Casanova.
Now, if you don’t think “shamelessness” is part of your personality, then you probably don’t love and appreciate women all that much. But if the sight of a hot chick stops you in your tracks, if you read dating advice because you want to learn to attract and relate to women better, if you truly embody the “TSB Philosophy” of improving your success and happiness with women, then you my friend are shameless. Stop “thinking about”—or worse, “learning about”—how to express that shamelessness, and instead be it.
Once you understand that, you can tell women how gorgeous they are all you want. That’s because you’re no longer doing it as a “manipulative tactic;” instead, you’re doing it as an expression of who you are. This is much different from the guy who thinks “going direct” creates attraction—or worse, the guy who gives women compliments in an attempt to make them like him.
Put simply: a Casanova hits on women simply because it’d be rude of him not to. It’s not to “get them to like him” or even so he can prove how “badass” he is to the guys in the seduction community. Success with women isn’t what you do—but who you are. So if you’re shameless, express it without a second thought.
For the better part of my life, one of my biggest problems with women had been how I felt around them. I genuinely love women. I love the way they speak, the way they smell, the way they look, the way they think. It’s so easy for me to get lost in the moment when I’m around a really attractive woman and let my emotions run wild.
In the past, that didn’t end well for me. Often my fascination with the opposite sex left me drooling, nervous, needy, and seeming desperate. My effusive emotions repelled females faster than you can say, “Let’s just be friends!”
Therefore, one of the first things I learned when studying dating advice was to “hide” these emotions. By practicing my body language, vocal tonality, and other “dating minutia,” I was able to mask these over-powering emotions. Not only was I able to hide them from women, but I was able to hide my emotions from myself. I slowly became what rappers call a “cold-hearted player.”
And, as much as it contradicts the Disney-myth we’re all raised on, this “persona” served me well. Women do respond much more warmly to a man with an icy heart than a man who’s gushing out his soul. Though, results are limited. While the “cold-hearted player” can get women quickly attracted, often the attraction is generic and ephemeral.
While your “game” might be tight, there are other guys with the same tight game. She’s seen the “cold-hearted player” before and, while it may turn her on for a moment, she’s not going to fall head-over-heels for you. She may even sleep with you, but you won’t be anything special to her.
Instead, once you begin to see some success with women, and you understand attractive behavior, it’s actually okay to bring back your genuine love of women. You can let women excite you and get you emotional. As long as you don’t get all gushy, you’ll actually turn her on more than the faux-player with the icy heart.
Real “Casanovas” have an absolute love of women—and everything about women. From my own personal experience, there’s no way I would have been able to churn out literally hundreds of articles (just look at my archive on this site alone!) on women if I didn’t absolutely love them. The only difference is that, these days, my “love” is no longer a repellent—it’s an aphrodisiac.
Do girls leave you confused as to whether or not they like you?
Let's face it. Girl's don't make it easy for you. She will often send mixed signals leaving you unable to tell if she is being friendly or flirty. If you read her signals wrong you risk rejection and embarrassment. Or worse, you blow it with a girl who wanted to kiss you.
Here is a simple and innocent move that will instantly tell you if you're in the friend zone, or if she's waiting for you to kiss her.
We respect your email privacy
About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.