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You can read Part 1 of this 2-part series HERE.
3 Distinctions that Make-or-Break Your Success with Women
In this 2-part series, I’m addressing a select group of guys who rarely get good dating advice: guys who are already pretty good with women. In other words, these are the guys who tread somewhere between completely clueless and complete Casanovas. I feel for these guys because I once there, too. And that’s how I know that most dating advice becomes contradictory when you reach this level.
Last week, I explained the importance of reading a situation. This week, I want to round-out the no-man’s land that exists between clueless and Casanova by defining appropriate “compliments” and how to “control” your feelings around women—or not control them.
Distinction 2: How Much is Too Much? Going Direct
The latest flavor-of-the-month in the seduction community is “going direct.” For all you civilians out there, going direct is just another way of saying you’re directly hitting on a woman. And while I certainly don’t have a problem with dudes telling babes the truth about their desire, I have become disappointed with how this “truth” has somehow morphed into “a tactic.
In other words, guys are no longer “going direct” because they mean it, but instead they’re now doing it because they think it “creates attraction.” Whenever I meet a guy who proudly proclaims that he “only does direct,” I know I’m dealing with an amateur. Direct certainly has a time and place, but if you’re “only” doing direct, then you’ve turned honesty into manipulation.
Acting direct with women isn’t some badge of honor or even something to necessarily be proud of—it’s just an extension of your personality. It’d be like if guys started proclaiming “I only have a sense of humor with girls!” While a sense of humor is definitely helpful when attracting women, no one actively says “I’m going ‘sense of humor’ on this chick!” It isn’t a tactic—it’s just who you are.
Sometimes guys who see my infield footage or see me hitting on girls say, “You’re really direct!” And I always reply, “No, I’m really honest.” And I react the same way when girls try to “call me out” on being direct. If a girl acts offended or shocked that I told she looks hot and tell me I’m “rude,” I just look at her like she’s the one with the problem, then say, “It would have been rude of me NOT to say something.”
Going direct isn’t about words—it’s about attitude. That attitude is what Zack and I call “acting shameless.” If you brag about “going direct” on girls, you’re not shameless—you’re clueless. If, however, you stop looking at direct as a tactic and instead as an expression of your personality, then you’re getting closer to Casanova.
Now, if you don’t think “shamelessness” is part of your personality, then you probably don’t love and appreciate women all that much. But if the sight of a hot chick stops you in your tracks, if you read dating advice because you want to learn to attract and relate to women better, if you truly embody the “TSB Philosophy” of improving your success and happiness with women, then you my friend are shameless. Stop “thinking about”—or worse, “learning about”—how to express that shamelessness, and instead be it.
Once you understand that, you can tell women how gorgeous they are all you want. That’s because you’re no longer doing it as a “manipulative tactic;” instead, you’re doing it as an expression of who you are. This is much different from the guy who thinks “going direct” creates attraction—or worse, the guy who gives women compliments in an attempt to make them like him.
Put simply: a Casanova hits on women simply because it’d be rude of him not to. It’s not to “get them to like him” or even so he can prove how “badass” he is to the guys in the seduction community. Success with women isn’t what you do—but who you are. So if you’re shameless, express it without a second thought.
Distinction 3: Keep Your Cool, or Unleash the Passion Geyser? Emotional Control
For the better part of my life, one of my biggest problems with women had been how I felt around them. I genuinely love women. I love the way they speak, the way they smell, the way they look, the way they think. It’s so easy for me to get lost in the moment when I’m around a really attractive woman and let my emotions run wild.
In the past, that didn’t end well for me. Often my fascination with the opposite sex left me drooling, nervous, needy, and seeming desperate. My effusive emotions repelled females faster than you can say, “Let’s just be friends!”
Therefore, one of the first things I learned when studying dating advice was to “hide” these emotions. By practicing my body language, vocal tonality, and other “dating minutia,” I was able to mask these over-powering emotions. Not only was I able to hide them from women, but I was able to hide my emotions from myself. I slowly became what rappers call a “cold-hearted player.”
And, as much as it contradicts the Disney-myth we’re all raised on, this “persona” served me well. Women do respond much more warmly to a man with an icy heart than a man who’s gushing out his soul. Though, results are limited. While the “cold-hearted player” can get women quickly attracted, often the attraction is generic and ephemeral.
While your “game” might be tight, there are other guys with the same tight game. She’s seen the “cold-hearted player” before and, while it may turn her on for a moment, she’s not going to fall head-over-heels for you. She may even sleep with you, but you won’t be anything special to her.
Instead, once you begin to see some success with women, and you understand attractive behavior, it’s actually okay to bring back your genuine love of women. You can let women excite you and get you emotional. As long as you don’t get all gushy, you’ll actually turn her on more than the faux-player with the icy heart.
Real “Casanovas” have an absolute love of women—and everything about women. From my own personal experience, there’s no way I would have been able to churn out literally hundreds of articles (just look at my archive on this site alone!) on women if I didn’t absolutely love them. The only difference is that, these days, my “love” is no longer a repellent—it’s an aphrodisiac.
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.