About the Author
Gentlemen, have you ever done anything dumb or jackassey that got your Man Card revoked? Duh, of course you have. If you say you’ve never had your Man Card pulled, you’re a bloody liar. Hey, it happens to the best of us. Be vigilant and use your wingmen to help you from losing your Man Card. Also, reading this site helps.
Here’s my list of 16 ways that will definitely get your Man Card pulled.
1. You miss your buddy’s going away party. Uber-douchey. Don’t even consider missing a man’s going away party, especially if it’s for a date. This one gets you booted from a social circle.
2. Your girlfriend says she wishes you were more romantic, and you actually start being more romantic (ie buying flowers, buying more dinners, generally acting like a pussy). Gross. Send that dude back to Man School, stat.
3. You miss your fantasy draft for a date. The ultimate shaft. This one will get your card suspended in
a heartbeat. Expect karma to bite you in the ass because your team will suck balls all season. The guy who draft Tom Brady? Yeah, he missed the FF draft for a nice night out with his girlfriend.
4. You blow off boy’s night out for a date. Classic. Just like a speeding ticket, this one is dings you for 4 points.
5. You fail to comment on a hot chick’s breasts/ass because you have girlfriend. That’s fine if you have a GF, but you still have a dick, too. ALWAYS comment on a chick’s rack. It’s rude not to.
6. You order a salad instead of a steak. At a steakhouse. Actually, if you order ANYTHING but a steak you’re getting nailed.
7. You don’t approach the girl because you’re afraid of getting blown out. 2 points. Just get blown out, dude, it’s cool. It happens to everyone.
8. You order a Bud Light at an Irish bar. Um, that dude needs to bong two Guinness pints immediately. I won’t even consider what happens if he orders a Zima, because it’s too absurd to actually happen.
9. Your buddy orders a round of shots and you refuse to do yours because you think tequila is yucky. Suck it up, big boy. You don’t refuse shots when it’s a party and your buddy is buying.
10. You do yard work instead of watching NFL all day. Broski, the yard just doesn’t get worked on in the fall. It just doesn’t. Hire a service or get your girlfriend to do it, because this is friggin’ PIGSKIN.
11. You miss a great party because you’re busy banging your girlfriend. You can always bang your girlfriend. Make the friggin’ party. Side note, it’s perfectly okay, even encouraged, to be late to the party because you’re getting laid. Your boys will understand and even compliment you on that one. Just don’t miss it entirely. I know, this is tough one, make it happen.
12. You don’t ask a hot girl out and she’s been throwing you signals all day. Weak. Get your game dialed in.
13. You use an umbrella instead of just sucking it up and walking across the parking lot in the rain. Extra points if the umbrella is pink or has flowers on it.
14. You pick DDR over Rock Band.
15. You don’t drink beer at the tailgate party because you got too hammered last night. Lame. Put on your shades, eat a bratwurst, and start drinking. I promise, you’ll feel a lot better after about four beers.
16. There’s a Playboy sitting on a coffee table and you don’t look at it. WTF!?! It’s screaming at you to pick it up. Pick it up and go straight to the centerfold.
I’ve screwed up and done maybe half of these, although not some of the more heinous ones (never ordered a Zima, never used a pink umbrella, never missed a going away party). If you do screw up, make sure to buy rounds of drinks at the next outing or treat your boys to game tickets.
Any others, leave in comments.
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December 19, 2008
Whoa, stereotype masculinity alert! This article seems like it was written by a teenager.
No self-respecting man would deny responsibilities to watch sports! Besides, football is a pretty lame sport. Get in the octagon where the real men are.
Umbrellas keep your clothes looking good and dry. Being retarded isn’t manly…
Salad at a steak house! HILARIOUS!!!! i would punch anyone in the mouth for that.
Bud light at a pub! hahaa what about bud light lime! Oh shit!
December 19, 2008
1)Leaving your wingman hanging out to dry when the pickings are ripe.(Well really at anytime).
2)Acting like a douchebag at any given moment. Especially acting like the guys on the website http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com
3)(I’ve witnessed this personally while at work. I work at walgreens) A guy comes in and buys a box of magnums and when I finish ringing him up he says, “Oh I don’t need a bag” and he’s holding the box in his hand in a way that people are supposed to see the box or some shit.
December 19, 2008
Thanks, Doug! Umm, we are talking about MAN cards here, not metro cards. I stand by all of these items.
Recent Words from lance..I am Invincible
December 21, 2008
I also call total B.S. on the umbrella rule. A flowerprint umbrella, sure. But most things in flowerprint aren’t going to come across as manly. An umbrella like this isn’t feminine or metro in anywaywhatsoever.
I blow off football all the time. You know what I’ve noticed? The guys I know that are into football the most weren’t the guys who actually played it, even at the high school level. Lance, in your profile, you say:
“As a kid, [Lance] was an RPG-playing dork and totally unpopular in high school.”
Now, no one cares about your high school glory days, and I never, ever, ever talk about my high school athletic career, but Lance, while you were playing D&D, I was playing in three 5A state tournaments. You totally fit my observation. I’ve got a number of male relatives that played collegiately, and they don’t take watching football as seriously as you do.
Of the kids from high school I still am in contact with, none of the guys that go tailgating every weekend played. You and they reek of overcompensation.
Surely, as a geek in high school, you managed to take in a few episodes of The Avengers. You going to to reach past John Steed’s umbrella and snatch away his man card, too?
December 22, 2008
Interesting, I played just about every sport in HS and lettered in almost all of them (including football)…and I pretty much never watch sports on TV. Except golf sometimes lol…
Interesting theory Al…
December 22, 2008
@Al, good stuff, my football playing, umbrella toting’ friend! I actually played YMCA and church league hoops in HS, plus HS lacrosse, which is a decidedly manly sport. I rowed in college and went on to post many athletic accomplishments, which I shan’t detail here. I love football simply because it’s a glorious sport.
In response to your umbrella diatribe…umbrellas themselves aren’t intrinsically unmanly, but pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store and popping open your parasol when you need only traverse 50 yards during a mild sprinkle is most certainly gay. My point is, don’t be afraid to get a little rainwater on your duds.
Too, I never watched the Avengers, but I most certainly read the comic book. No parasols ever appeared in those pages.
Recent Words from Lance..Thought Leader Interview Series: Sinn
December 25, 2008
Lance,
Because we issue of the Worlds Only Authentic Man Card, we here at OfficialManCard.com are always looking to update our list of Revocable Man Card Offenses. Keep up the good work!
January 15, 2009
Ribs - a PERFECTLY good excuse to not order steak at a steakhouse (caveat: one pound or greater)
(”half rack” of ribs should cost you points ANYWHERE)
April 4, 2009
That’s stereotypical and stupid. I do whatever I like and if you don’t like it piss off. This proposes me submitting to peer pressure and doing what every “cool guy” is supposed to do. Well, I am cool enough not to try to act like a cool guy.