Natural Order of Thing: The Emotional Progression of Attraction
I patted my hair down and studied my reflection in the glass window of the sushi restaurant. I’d raced to the mall that morning, bought myself all new clothes, and now I wanted to make sure that every last hairlet on my hair was patted down and perfected. I wanted to be perfect for her.
I’d been chasing her for the last 7 years of my life. From the instant I laid eyes on her back in sophomore of high school, I was her slave. Of course, she didn’t require that—or even realize it. No—to her, I was forever “just a friend.” Yet, whenever I thought about her—which was all the time—I concocted yet another harebrained scheme to snare her affection.
And I’d never, ever win that affection of hers. The impending tragedy that the sushi restaurant would bear witness to would be yet another footnote in a long history of my failure with this girl.
Fast forward half a decade, where a slightly older, slightly less perfected version of myself is once again waiting out front of a sushi restaurant for a girl. This girl looks strikingly similar to the other girl.
As the date with this girl unfolds, you might say it was an identical situation. On both dates, I sat across from an attractive girl, vibed with her, asked her questions, listened to her, and felt genuinely interested in the woman in front of me. Yet, one of those dates lead straight to the friend zone while the other lead straight to, well, let’s just say the exact opposite of the friend zone.
What then made the two interactions so drastically different? The answer is obvious, but not intuitive. In fact, it’s so counter-intuitive that it took me years to realize it. But once I did, I’ve kept myself from ever again landing in the friend zone.
The obvious, counter-intuitive answer is what to do when. See, most guys don’t do anything wrong when they interact with women; they simply do it in the wrong order. That idea forms the foundation of my philosophy when it comes to attraction and women. And it was the entire premise of my book, The 4 Elements of Game.
Understanding this one aspect of interacting with women is a complete game-changer. That’s because there’s no lines, no gimmicks, and no tactics. It’s simply you “being yourself”—but being yourself with an understanding of when it’s appropriate to display different aspects of your personality.
For example, most guys think it’s important to “engage” a woman in conversation when they approach. The idea of “openers” and “pickup lines” evinces how obsessed men are with “striking up a conversation.” However, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, when beginning an interaction with a woman, it’s not the appropriate time to “have a conversation.”
Instead, the first few moments of an interaction should simply revolve around getting her full and undivided attention. In other words, you want to get a woman to FOCUS on you—and only you. If you’re using a line, that will distract her from you. If you’re striking up a conversation with her and all her friends, that will distract her. Essentially, if you’re doing anything other than putting yourself in front of her so that she has no other choice than to pay attention to you, that will distract her.
That’s why the only “opener” I now teach my live program students is how to tap a woman on the shoulder. When they ask, “But what do I say when I tap her?” I smile and say, “You’ll find out when you have her full attention.”
And so it goes.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the forum to wax philosophical of every stage of a successful interaction. Instead, it’s a challenge to rethink the emotional progression you take women on when you approach them. Why are you “opening” them? Why are you focused on “generating attraction” with them? Why do you do everything you do when a hot girl’s in front of you?
If you don’t have an answer that’s rooted in experience, reexamine your game plan. Sometimes the “natural order” of things is obvious—yet counter intuitive.
>>>To Learn More From Rob, Check Out “The 4 Elements of Game” where he breaks down game into four simple adjustments.
Do girls leave you confused as to whether or not they like you?
Let's face it. Girl's don't make it easy for you. She will often send mixed signals leaving you unable to tell if she is being friendly or flirty. If you read her signals wrong you risk rejection and embarrassment. Or worse, you blow it with a girl who wanted to kiss you.
Here is a simple and innocent move that will instantly tell you if you're in the friend zone, or if she's waiting for you to kiss her.
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About Rob J. Rob J. is a writer and dating instructor in New York City. Themes that resonate in both his teaching and writing are masculinity, genuineness, rational self-interest, and general awesomeness.