Can You Ever Stop Loving Someone?
Though the question seems out of place in a men’s magazine, I ask you, my brothers, to think seriously about it.
We are men. Testosterone drives us to hunt, to protect, to act out in all sorts of aggressive ways; it is partly responsible for the greater development of our muscle mass, the density of our bone structure, the hair on our faces and chest, and the desire to protect what is ours—to defend our hearth and home, our women and children.
The masculine chemical also makes it harder for us to form lasting and permanent attachments to mates. We can fuck anyone. From puberty onwards, we are able and more than willing to nail anything with tits and ass. But, as we all know, sex is not the same thing as love; nor is it even an outgrowth of it.
Love for a man is more than a strong feeling. It is a state, a condition, a force that changes us in ways that can be difficult to deal with. If you have ever been in love, then you probably have some sympathy with what I’m getting at.
Working hard, making sacrifices, striving and struggling against your peers and colleagues, building up your resources so that you can purchase a stake in the world are all things you’ve done to gain greater control over your life. The feeling comes naturally. You have a will and wish to assert it.
But this priority comes crashing down when you fall in love. Suddenly you find yourself out of control, in a way that is irrepressible. You are enthralled to another person; your life influenced and guided by their will; your sense of confidence, pleasure, and satisfaction determined by changes in their every whim and fancy. I don’t say that career women, who constitute the majority of our sisters, do not face similar difficulties. But the descent from absolute control to relative control is not as hard for them.
Love for a man is a kind of existential shock from which he never really recovers.
That is why I pose the question: can you ever stop loving someone? I say no. Circumstances may make it impossible for you to be together; you may have fucked up and given her good cause to leave you or the passion and affection may have been so intense and overwhelming that it became impossible to actually make a life together. Whatever it was that drove you apart, you can never really disavow and put out of your heart any woman who got close to it.
I know for certain that if any of the three women I’ve been in love with were to show up at my doorstep right now I would be powerless to resist them. I would feel the pang, the nagging sensation of desperation mixed with longing that one feels when in love. I know that they would have power over me. How far I would go to please them is hard to say. But the feeling is there; it is irrevocable, undeniable.
If you are finding it hard to get over an ex, you should perhaps view things in a different light. It may be the case that you actually love her and have been too stubborn to admit it. If that is the case, then you will not get over her. You will move on, you will meet new women and enjoy a life filled with sexual and romantic adventure. However, once you’re in love, you can never free yourself completely from the object of your affection.
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About Christopher Reid Chris was born in Washington, D.C. and lives in Britain. He works as a blogger, essayist, and novelist. His first book, Tea with Maureen, has just been published.